Groucho Marx

"Die, my dear? Why thats the last thing Ill do!"

"I got $25 from Readers Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: "I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally"? I never said that."

"They say Allen got something from the Marx Brothers. He got nothing. Maybe twenty years ago, he might have been inspired. Today hes an original. The best, the funniest."

"I did a bond tour during the Second World War... We were raising money, and we played Boston and Philadelphia and most of the big cities. And we got to Minneapolis. There wasnt any big theater to play there, so we did our show in a railroad station. Then I told the audience that I knew a girl in Minneapolis. She was also known in St.Paul, she used to come over to visit me. She was known as "The Tail Of Two Cities." I didnt sell any more bonds, but eh... they didnt allow me to appear anymore."

"To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx."

"A likely story — and probably true."