Catlin Adams — Patty Bernstein — The Jerk

"Well, Im gonna go then, and I dont need any of this! I dont need this stuff, and I dont need you! I dont need anything, except this. [picks up an ashtray] An ashtray, and thats the only thing I need, is this! I dont need this or this! Just this ashtray, and this paddle game. The ashtray and the paddle game and thats all I need! And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and thats all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and thats all I need! And thats all I need too. I dont need one other thing, not one— I need this. [picks up chair] The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this. [picks up magazine] The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair. [walking outside] And I dont need one other thing, except my dog. [Shithead growls at him] Well, I dont need my dog."

"For one dollar Ill guess your weight, your height, or your sex."

"Huh? I am not a bum. Im a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and uh, my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin on the porch with my family, singin and dancin down in Mississippi."

"First I get my name in the phone book and now Im on your ass. You know, Ill bet more people see that than the phone book."

"Good Lord! Ive heard about this: cat juggling!"

"Marie, are you awake? Good. You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. Im glad because there is something that has always been very difficult for me to say. I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit. Ive never been relaxed enough around anyone to be able to say that. You give me confidence in myself. I know weve only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days and the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days and the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. Anyway, Ive decided that tomorrow, when the time is right, Im going to ask you to marry me, if thats okay with you. Just dont say anything. Youve made me very happy."