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"My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen."
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Mitch HedbergHey, this jokes on the first CD, but I added a new line so I cant fuck — Mitch Hedberg
"Hey, this jokes on the first CD, but I added a new line so I cant fuckin’ rob you of this one: I got an ant farm; them fellas didnt grow shit. I said “C’mon, what about some celery? You fuckers don’t farm. Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen." Thats... Thats the part thats not on the old CD."
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Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg
author135 quotes
Mitchell Lee Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian and filmmaker known for his surreal humor and deadpan delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.
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"Im an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube."
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Mitch HedbergQuote
"If I had a dollar for every time I said that, Id be making money in a very weird way."
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Mitch HedbergQuote
"I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket."
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Mitch HedbergQuote
"I met a girl who works at the Double Tree front desk, she gave me her phone number. Its zero. I tried to call her from here and some other woman answered. I said "You sound older!"
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Mitch HedbergQuote
"Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. Thats a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one... and every one on the bottom row!"
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Mitch Hedberg