I could stuff a pillow with the amount of confetti I have had thrown a — Jeffrey Bernard

"During one of my annual visits to the great Fred Winters yard I said to him, Good God, Fred, your horses look magnificent. Beautifully fit. Of course they do, you twit, he said. They dont sit up all night drinking gin and tonic and playing cards."

"Since 1960 or thereabouts, when the Beatles and feminism came to power and destroyed the civilisation I was rather fond of..."

"I once had to dispense with a literary agent because she drank too much. She was very surprised but I pointed out to her, quite logically I thought, that one of us had to be sober and it certainly wasnt going to be me."

"In 1950 when I was boxing I wanted to put on 3lb so my trainer made me put a teaspoon of powdered gelatine into the cup every time I took tea. It was fairly revolting & might possibly explain the final hammering I took."

"[On the Feminist Dale Spender] It staggers me. In fact I have not been so staggered since I last wore 8oz gloves."

"As for asking me have I ever felt remorse after drinking, I have been living with remorse for years now. She wakes me up every morning. She puts me to bed at night and yea though I run through the valley of Oxford St to the Coach & Horses she is by my side."