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I felt like exploring Mexico was a way of exploring my father, myself, — Jean Guerrero

"I felt like exploring Mexico was a way of exploring my father, myself, and my roots."
I felt like exploring Mexico was a way of exploring my father, myself, and my roots.
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Jean Guerrero
Jean Guerrero
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Jean Carolyn Guerrero is an American investigative journalist, author, and former foreign correspondent. She is the author of Crux: A Cross-Border Memoir, winner of the PEN/FUSION Emerging Writers Prize, and Hatemonger: Stephen Miller, Donald Trump, and the White Nationalist Agenda, published in 2020 by William Morrow. Guerrero's KPBS series America's Wall won an Emmy Award. Her essay, "My Father

About Jean Guerrero

Jean Carolyn Guerrero is an American investigative journalist, author, and former foreign correspondent. She is the author of Crux: A Cross-Border Memoir, winner of the PEN/FUSION Emerging Writers Prize, and Hatemonger: Stephen Miller, Donald Trump, and the White Nationalist Agenda, published in 2020 by William Morrow. Guerrero's KPBS series America's Wall won an Emmy Award. Her essay, "My Father

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"when I was a kid. I grew up in San Diego, on the border with Tijuana, with a Mexican dad and a Puerto Rican mom. Spanish was my first language. But I went to a private Episcopalian elementary school, where it was against the rules to speak Spanish. You know, the teachers referred to me as Jean Guerrero. And if we were caught speaking Spanish, we had to stay in detention and we had to write, I will not speak Spanish, I will not speak Spanish a hundred times. This was during a period of intense anti-Mexican and anti-immigrant hate in California. And, you know, I wanted to please the teachers. I knew how much my mom was sacrificing for me to go to that school. She - at that point, my parents had split up. And she was a single mom. There was a struggle for her. And I just - I wanted to do well in school. And so I internalized, you know, the teachers disdain for Spanish. I internalized this idea of my language, my parents language as being delinquent. And I mostly renounced Spanish. And I adopted that identity as Jean Guerrero."
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Jean Guerrero
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"This internalized English language supremacy, like, what it did was like it created, like, a real - I dont know - like, this almost, like, self-hatred, where I didnt understand what had happened until many years later, when I was reading the Mexican author Reyna Granda, who writes about subtractive bilingualism and how, you know, this practice of forcing children to stop speaking their native language and to see it as something bad also causes children to internalize this disdain, you know, the dominant white cultures disdain for their own culture and their own selves. And for me, what that did is it created a lot of self-destructive behavior where I was, you know, cutting my wrists as a teenager. I was, you know, binge drinking, drug abuse, a lot of self-destructive behavior. And then also, my mother, when she would make mistakes in English, you know, I would correct her. And I would say really, you know, monstrous things like learn English. And this is something that, you know, I look back on with, like, an immense amount of pain. And it wasnt something that I was able to fully confront until I saw Reyna Grande talking about this - internalizing this disdain for her mother."
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Jean Guerrero