I got myself extorted, which happens in this business. I come home fro — Dave Chappelle

"You know how I know Im getting old? This is embarassing, but... I was in my hotel room. I was... Im not gonna lie, I was jerking off. And I was, like, really sweating it out. And this is when I knew I was old: I just gave up in the middle, like nothing even happened. Like, I dont like looking at my dick anymore. My dick looks distinguished. Its old, an old-looking dick. Its got salt-and-pepper hair all around it. My dick looks like Morgan Freeman in the 90s. Without the dots. My dick narrates, "Dave pulled me out and started jerking me around, jerking me around. But not with the same vigor as when he was young. He and I both knew nothing was coming out."

"The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark."

"Never in a million years will you hear somebody on the radio say "Im up for runnin up on them crackers in city hall."

"I was at a party. Some guy gave me some shit. Hes like, "Here, man. Take this. Its fucking mushrooms." I took it, I forgot all about it, you know. Then a couple days later I found that shit in my pocket. Im thinking, "why not?" Cuz Im thinking its like weed. Some background shit. I planned my whole day out like it was weed. "Ill chew this shit up, then Ill go to the barbershop, get my hair cut and then Ill see a movie." I chewed it up. So far, so good. Then I was in the barbershop, like an hour later. And its funny, cuz I was just thinking to myself, like, "Ooh, this stuff sucks. Tastes like athletes foot. I feel sick, but Im not really high." Then I looked in the mirror. I saw the barbers reflection. Man, it looked like a big penis was cutting my hair."

"Have you ever watched, like, a cartoon that you used to watch when you were little, as an adult? That shit is wild shit. Its some wild shit. I mean, like, I was with my nephew. We sittin there, we watchin Pepé Le Pew. And I say to my nephew, I say, "Now pay attention to this guy, cuz hes funny. I used to watch him when I was little." And we watchin Pepé Le Pew and Im like, "Oh, man, what kind of fucking rapist is this guy? Like, take it easy, Pepé." My nephew was sittin there crackin up. "Heh, see, sometimes you gotta take the pussy like Pepé!" I was like, "No!" I had to turn the channel real quick. I turned it on Sesame Street. I said, "Oh, phew. Sesame Street. This is much better cuz now hell learn how to count and spell." But now Im watching it as an adult and I realize Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. Thats right. They got a character on there named Oscar. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face. "Oscar, you are so mean. Isnt he, kids?" "Yeah Oscar, youre a grouch!" Hes like, "Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! Im the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street. Nobodys helping me." Then you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people. "Get it together, grouch. Get a job, grouch."

"Is it me, or do commercials have nothing to do with the products anymore? You dig? I dont even know what a fucking commercial is about until the end. Every one is a surprise nowadays. You seen that commercial where the lady got the black eye? This lady comes on TV with a black eye, shes crying, shes like, "I smoke crack. And my husband beats me." And then a voice came on and said, "Got milk?"

"The only influences in [the painting The sick Child, Munch painted in his elderly home, remembering very accurate the last days of his dying little sister Sophie] The sick Child.. ..were the ones that come from my home.. ..my childhood and my home. Only someone who knew the conditions at home could possibly understand why there can be no conceivable chance of any other place having played a part – my home is to my art as a midwife is to her children.. ..few painters have ever experienced the full grief of their subject as I did in The sick child. It was not just I who was suffering; it was all my nearest and dearest as well."

"Glen is not a homosexual. Glen is a transvestite, but he is not a homosexual. Transvestism is the term given by medical science to those persons who desperately wish to wear the clothing of the opposite sex, yet whose sex life in all instances remains quite normal. Would you be surprised to know that this rough, tough individual is wearing pink, satin undies under his rough exterior clothing? He is. Then there is your friend the milkman who...who knows how to find comfort at home."

"When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish theyre homeless. When black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish theyre called rappers."

"I guess you could say that I was somewhat withdrawn from my classmates. I spent a good deal of time being a loner. I suppose that had something to do with the way we lived — always on the move, never living in one town very long. Its very hard to make lasting friendships that way. And my father was rather strict with me and my two younger sisters. He insisted on proper behaviour and very often vetoed our choices of boyfriends. There was always a curfew whenever my sisters or I would go out on a date — we had to be home on time or else. But I never resented his authority. In fact, Im thankful for my strict upbringing; I feel it has helped me learn discipline — and thats very important in this business."

"Moons waxed and waned, the lilacs bloomed and died, In the broad river ebbed and flowed the tide, Ships went to sea, and ships came home from sea, And the slow years sailed by and ceased to be."

"Some men are born husbands; they have a passion for domesticity, for a fireside, for a home. Yet, curiously, these men very rarely stay at home. Apparently what they want is to have a place to get away from."