I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." — Dane Cook

"Who doesnt like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and NO!"

"So Im hanging out with all my buddies and um... I realized something. Think of the group of people youve known the longest in your life. Think of the group of friends that youve hung out with the most. Maybe you are all here tonight. And this is what Ive realized. I had an epiphany and here it is right here. Theres one person in every group of friends that nobody fucking likes. You basically keep them there to hate their guts. When that person is not around your little base camp, your hobby is cutting that person down. Example: Karen is always a douchebag. Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche. And when shes not around you just look at each other go: "God Karen, shes such a douchebag. Until she walks up and then youre like: "Hey whats up Karen? Kaaaaren, whats up Karen?" Theres always that one person and Im looking out and some of you guys are like: "Hmmm, I disagree." Well youre the person...youre the person nobody likes."

"Next time youre at the airport, right, this is fun to do. Youre at the airport, and you see somebody waiting for their flight, okay. Theyre sitting there, reading the paper, whatever, just chilling out. This is what youre gonna do, just like this. Youre gonna walk over to them really slowly. Just walk over, alright, and stand right in from em. Dont say anything. Like, wait till they feel you there, know what I mean? When they finally look up at you, just really seriously look at them right in the eyes and go like this, "Dont get on the flight". You know theyre sitting there goin, "I don’t think I should get on this fucking flight. I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight. Thank you, angel wearing jeans!"

"Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doin 80?!"

"I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy like 15 times cause they said they thought he had a a grenade. HE WAS EATING A PEAR! How do you fuck that up?! Unless he was eating it like "AHHHHHH! *throws pear* THATS A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!"

"The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I believe that I was in the Civil War. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me in a past life, she goes "You were in the Civil War." And I said I feel this. Because when I watch programs about the Civil War, sometimes, I feel like I know people. Im like "Theres James!" "Lloyd! I would know you, you fangle-tooth motherfucker! Go build that railroad."

"Dave Foley: I once shot a man just to watch him die, then I got distracted and missed it. Oh my friends tried to describe it to me, but it just isnt the same."

"I did not go to join Kurtz there and then. I did not. I remained to dream the nightmare out to the end, and to show my loyalty to Kurtz once more. Destiny. My destiny! Droll thing life is — that mysterious arrangement of merciless logic for a futile purpose. The most you can hope from it is some knowledge of yourself — that comes too late — a crop of unextinguishable regrets. I have wrestled with death. It is the most unexciting contest you can imagine. It takes place in an impalpable grayness, with nothing underfoot, with nothing around, without spectators, without clamor, without glory, without the great desire of victory, without the great fear of defeat, in a sickly atmosphere of tepid skepticism, without much belief in your own right, and still less in that of your adversary. If such is the form of ultimate wisdom, then life is a greater riddle than some of us think it to be. I was within a hairs-breadth of the last opportunity for pronouncement, and I found with humiliation that probably I would have nothing to say. This is the reason why I affirm that Kurtz was a remarkable man. He had something to say. He said it. Since I had peeped over the edge myself, I understand better the meaning of his stare, that could not see the flame of the candle, but was wide enough to embrace the whole universe, piercing enough to penetrate all the hearts that beat in the darkness. He had summed up — he had judged. The horror! He was a remarkable man. After all, this was the expression of some sort of belief; it had candor, it had conviction, it had a vibrating note of revolt in its whisper, it had the appalling face of a glimpsed truth — the strange commingling of desire and hate."

"I spoke up about the importance of sex and have been paying the price ever since. I was transphobic, I was a cunt, a bitch, a TERF, I deserved cancelling, punching and death."

"Oh Rama, here I go again! Listen to you, sounding like Death Vader. You people need cigarettes as much as this country needs another C-average President. Plus you look like a human Pez dispenser! Here are your cigarettes, and here is some gum so you can blow bubbles for that WEIRD-ASS HOLE YOU HAVE IN YOUR NECK. And here are some batteries, for your creeping-me-out machine. Now get the park out of my store! I hope I am reincarnated as a turtleneck... I like to tank you for getting that joke!"

"I also know that the shock of Annabels death consolidated the frustration of that nightmare summer, made of it a permanent obstacle to any further romance throughout the cold years of my youth. The spiritual and the physical had been blended in us with a perfection that must remain incomprehensible to the matter-of-fact, crude, standard-brained youngsters of today. Long after her death I felt her thoughts floating through mine. Long before we met we had had the same dreams. We compared notes. We found strange affinities. The same June of the same year (1919) a stray canary had fluttered into her house and mine, in two widely separated countries. Oh, Lolita, had you loved me thus!"

"The groans of the dying and the blanched set faces of the dead ... were enough to drive away all unwholesome feelings of exultation, and to remind one of the grim reality that war is. And even though these were the faces and the sufferings of our enemy, one had ... a deeper sense of the common humanity which knows no racial distinctions."