I was at a party. Some guy gave me some shit. Hes like, "Here, man. Ta — Dave Chappelle

"You know how I know Im getting old? This is embarassing, but... I was in my hotel room. I was... Im not gonna lie, I was jerking off. And I was, like, really sweating it out. And this is when I knew I was old: I just gave up in the middle, like nothing even happened. Like, I dont like looking at my dick anymore. My dick looks distinguished. Its old, an old-looking dick. Its got salt-and-pepper hair all around it. My dick looks like Morgan Freeman in the 90s. Without the dots. My dick narrates, "Dave pulled me out and started jerking me around, jerking me around. But not with the same vigor as when he was young. He and I both knew nothing was coming out."

"I got myself extorted, which happens in this business. I come home from the road. There was a FedEx sitting on the kitchen table, and it was addressed to me, so I opened it. I dont know who delivered it. And there was a videocassette inside, with a note written on it that said "Gotcha." Oh, my god. Can you imagine? I freaked out. I tore the whole house apart, trying to find a VCR. I hadnt seen a tape in, like, over a decade."

"The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark."

"Never in a million years will you hear somebody on the radio say "Im up for runnin up on them crackers in city hall."

"Have you ever watched, like, a cartoon that you used to watch when you were little, as an adult? That shit is wild shit. Its some wild shit. I mean, like, I was with my nephew. We sittin there, we watchin Pepé Le Pew. And I say to my nephew, I say, "Now pay attention to this guy, cuz hes funny. I used to watch him when I was little." And we watchin Pepé Le Pew and Im like, "Oh, man, what kind of fucking rapist is this guy? Like, take it easy, Pepé." My nephew was sittin there crackin up. "Heh, see, sometimes you gotta take the pussy like Pepé!" I was like, "No!" I had to turn the channel real quick. I turned it on Sesame Street. I said, "Oh, phew. Sesame Street. This is much better cuz now hell learn how to count and spell." But now Im watching it as an adult and I realize Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. Thats right. They got a character on there named Oscar. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face. "Oscar, you are so mean. Isnt he, kids?" "Yeah Oscar, youre a grouch!" Hes like, "Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! Im the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street. Nobodys helping me." Then you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people. "Get it together, grouch. Get a job, grouch."

"Is it me, or do commercials have nothing to do with the products anymore? You dig? I dont even know what a fucking commercial is about until the end. Every one is a surprise nowadays. You seen that commercial where the lady got the black eye? This lady comes on TV with a black eye, shes crying, shes like, "I smoke crack. And my husband beats me." And then a voice came on and said, "Got milk?"

"In the life of the mass-order, the culture of the generality tends to conform to the demands of the average human being. Spirituality decays through being diffused among the masses when knowledge is impoverished in every possible way by rationalisation until it becomes accessible to the crude understanding of all."

"I say this to you because we Spaniards are a forgetful people, because we are used to living for the moment, because we do not look back, because we do not know how to see the chain of heroes, because we do not contemplate the sum of sacrifices."

"Sharon Tate was my best friend. Once, we were roommates. She introduced me to my husband. She was the godmother to my baby daughter who is named for her. In the six years time that I knew her, she never said an unkind word about anyone."

"Long time to see. (VS: Tapion)"

"Most mathematicians prove what they can, von Neumann proves what he wants." Once in a discussion about the rapid growth of mathematics in modern times, von Neumann was heard to remark that whereas thirty years ago a mathematician could grasp all of mathematics, that is impossible today. Someone asked him: "What percentage of all mathematics might a person aspire to understand today?" Von Neumann went into one of his five-second thinking trances, and said: "About 28 percent."

"Children must be free to think in all directions irrespective of the peculiar ideas of parents who often seal their childrens minds with preconceived prejudices and false concepts of past generations. Unless we are very careful, very careful indeed, and very conscientious, there is still great danger that our children may turn out to be the same kind of people we are."