Name-calling does not break the modern black man. Thats not gonna do t — Dave Chappelle

"You know how I know Im getting old? This is embarassing, but... I was in my hotel room. I was... Im not gonna lie, I was jerking off. And I was, like, really sweating it out. And this is when I knew I was old: I just gave up in the middle, like nothing even happened. Like, I dont like looking at my dick anymore. My dick looks distinguished. Its old, an old-looking dick. Its got salt-and-pepper hair all around it. My dick looks like Morgan Freeman in the 90s. Without the dots. My dick narrates, "Dave pulled me out and started jerking me around, jerking me around. But not with the same vigor as when he was young. He and I both knew nothing was coming out."

"I got myself extorted, which happens in this business. I come home from the road. There was a FedEx sitting on the kitchen table, and it was addressed to me, so I opened it. I dont know who delivered it. And there was a videocassette inside, with a note written on it that said "Gotcha." Oh, my god. Can you imagine? I freaked out. I tore the whole house apart, trying to find a VCR. I hadnt seen a tape in, like, over a decade."

"The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark."

"Never in a million years will you hear somebody on the radio say "Im up for runnin up on them crackers in city hall."

"I was at a party. Some guy gave me some shit. Hes like, "Here, man. Take this. Its fucking mushrooms." I took it, I forgot all about it, you know. Then a couple days later I found that shit in my pocket. Im thinking, "why not?" Cuz Im thinking its like weed. Some background shit. I planned my whole day out like it was weed. "Ill chew this shit up, then Ill go to the barbershop, get my hair cut and then Ill see a movie." I chewed it up. So far, so good. Then I was in the barbershop, like an hour later. And its funny, cuz I was just thinking to myself, like, "Ooh, this stuff sucks. Tastes like athletes foot. I feel sick, but Im not really high." Then I looked in the mirror. I saw the barbers reflection. Man, it looked like a big penis was cutting my hair."

"Is it me, or do commercials have nothing to do with the products anymore? You dig? I dont even know what a fucking commercial is about until the end. Every one is a surprise nowadays. You seen that commercial where the lady got the black eye? This lady comes on TV with a black eye, shes crying, shes like, "I smoke crack. And my husband beats me." And then a voice came on and said, "Got milk?"

"In the life of the mass-order, the culture of the generality tends to conform to the demands of the average human being. Spirituality decays through being diffused among the masses when knowledge is impoverished in every possible way by rationalisation until it becomes accessible to the crude understanding of all."

"I say this to you because we Spaniards are a forgetful people, because we are used to living for the moment, because we do not look back, because we do not know how to see the chain of heroes, because we do not contemplate the sum of sacrifices."

"Sharon Tate was my best friend. Once, we were roommates. She introduced me to my husband. She was the godmother to my baby daughter who is named for her. In the six years time that I knew her, she never said an unkind word about anyone."

"Long time to see. (VS: Tapion)"

"Most mathematicians prove what they can, von Neumann proves what he wants." Once in a discussion about the rapid growth of mathematics in modern times, von Neumann was heard to remark that whereas thirty years ago a mathematician could grasp all of mathematics, that is impossible today. Someone asked him: "What percentage of all mathematics might a person aspire to understand today?" Von Neumann went into one of his five-second thinking trances, and said: "About 28 percent."

"Children must be free to think in all directions irrespective of the peculiar ideas of parents who often seal their childrens minds with preconceived prejudices and false concepts of past generations. Unless we are very careful, very careful indeed, and very conscientious, there is still great danger that our children may turn out to be the same kind of people we are."