[what men are thinking] Id like a beer and Id like to see something na — Jeff Foxworthy

"I dont know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligans Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles."

"Country music is about new love and its about old love. Its about gettin drunk and gettin sober. Its about leavin and its about comin home. Its real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. Were not offended, cause we know what were all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary."

"I think {the designated driver program} is a great idea, because anything is safer than the way we used to do it: "Hey dude, get up! Give us a ride home, man! Cmon, whaddaya say? Well buy ya a beer!"...The only problem with the designated driver program {is} its not the worlds most desirable job...But if you ever get talked into doing it, have fun with the group. Like at the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong damn house, preferably in their bosss front yard or something."

"Do you know why its so hard to solve a Redneck murder? Because the DNAs all the same and theres no dental records."

"You dont have the stupidest family in the world, you dont have the goofiest family in the world. And if you ever need to verify that, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at a fair, youll be going, "You know what? Were all right. Were dang near royalty!"

"[about his daughters and nieces having developed a natural curiosity about boys]"