You get somebody to explain the Trinity to you, theyll say "Well God, — Bill Bailey

"But our countrys equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, hes got a shooter!"

"Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could be four or five. Could be nine or ten, doesnt matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Lets go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, Ive gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) Anyone? Five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, lets go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Lets go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, thats just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - thats just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "Ill get these in." What an idiot!"

"At parties, sometimes, for a laugh, I introduce myself - people say What do you do? and I say Im Aled Jones, its all gone wrong for me. No, look, Ive still got it! (drunken bawl) IM WALKING THROUGH THE AIIIIIIR, HAAAAAAHAHAHA. Ch. 19, 32:55"

"The national [Welsh] dish, cheese on toast, thats fantastic. "Thats no bother". "Were having a big ambassadorial reception." "All right, Ill get the grill on shall I? You want a bit of chutney on it?" "No, dont go mad Rhodri, its only Fiji." I think though that it has actually hampered Waless cultural diversity, because if you think of the other national dishes, like Ireland - Irish stew, bubbling away for hours on end, during which time poems are written, plays are written, fine linen is crafted, the whimsy is spun; Scotland, you have haggis, many many days it takes to pulverise the eyes, lips and all the toes, every [part] of the animal, the hooves, the shirt, the trousers, the abbatoir workers laundry, everything goes in there, and its bubbling away for days on end under the ground in the lung of a small burrowing animal, during which time electric light is invented, penicillin, a fine legal structure, those little things you lick, press down and they ping back up, Oh, I forgot about them, oh yeah; England, roast beef, roasting away for days on end, during which time poor, defenceless countries around the world are brought under the relentless yoke of imperial oppression; Wales, cheese on toast, "Right...oh, its ready. Shit." Ch. 9, 17:43"

"Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I dont actually think thats the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote my brain is melting ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to."

"Grey and grey and grey and grey,"

"At one point a heated discussion arose over the possible interpretation of Lolita as a grandiose metaphor of the classic Europeans hopeless love for young, seductive, barbaric America. In his afterword to the novel Nabokov himself mentions this as the naive theory of one of the publishers who turned the book down. And although there cant be the slightest doubt that Nabokov did not mean to limit Lolita to that interpretation, there is no reason to exclude it as one of the novels many dimensions. The point, I felt, became obvious when one drew the line between Lolita as a delightfully frivolous story on the verge of pornography and Lolita as a literary masterpiece, the only convincing love story of our century."

"Lovely food, for rabbits, that is."

"One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved."

"[explaining to Ernie how April apologized to him] She just showed up at the factory, took off her coat, and begged me to take her. We made love in a way that Ive only ever seen in nature films."

"Love is always love, come whence it may. A heart that beats at your approach, an eye that weeps when you go away are things so rare, so sweet, so precious that they must never be despised."

"He was obeyed, yet he inspired neither love nor fear, nor even respect. He inspired uneasiness. That was it! Uneasiness. Not a definite mistrust — just uneasiness — nothing more. You have no idea how effective such a... a... faculty can be. He had no genius for organizing, for initiative, or for order even. That was evident in such things as the deplorable state of the station. He had no learning, and no intelligence. His position had come to him — why? Perhaps because he was never ill . . . He had served three terms of three years out there . . . Because triumphant health in the general rout of constitutions is a kind of power in itself."