You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. — Emo Philips

"Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy."

"I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill."

"When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, dont go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.."

"New Yorks such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "Id like a card." He says, "You have to prove youre a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."

"My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what shes reading."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was... conscious. … But I love her from the hair on her head to the tag on her toes.""