Youre irritating me. Its not a good thing to start off by irritating t — Judith Sheindlin

"(To a legal intern) Would you mind telling me who you blackmailed, bribed, or slept with to get that diploma? Id like to mail them a sympathy card."

"...Did you just call me Nurse Ratched!? Byrd. Get rid of him. Now."

"Defendant: ...I have a lot to be proud of. Judy: Like what? Defendant: I graduated high school. Judy: Oh, well! Thats, like, the Eighth Wonder of the World; isnt it! Defendant: Yes; by our familys standards, thats a great accomplishment. Judy: Yeah, right; so is tying your own shoelaces, Ill bet."

"Judy: [after catching defendant in a lie; he admitted that he was living with his witness when a few moments earlier he had said he wasnt] PERFECT! So now youre living back together again. And why, Nick, did you feel as if it was necessary to lie to me a moment ago? Defendant: I... have been staying in Minneapolis every now and then... but I... didnt mean to lie to you. Judy: Theres another reason, Nick. Defendant: Theres no reason to lie. Im sorry. Judy: Well... Defendants Witness: Not many people know that he is staying there with me. Judy: Now ten million people know that hes staying with you. [Audience laughs]"

"Judy: [indicating defendants sister, who has worn a mini-dress to court with a matching jacket] Wheres the rest of her outfit? [audience laughs] Defendant: That was the most... professional clothing she could find, I guess. Judy: [to sister] You dont have a pair of long pants? Defendants Witness: I do, but I... I just feel this is appropriate, since its sold in stores. Defendant: Sold in, like, business apparel stores. Defendants Witness: Yes, business apparel. [Judy and Byrd share an incredulous glance] Byrd: Different kind of business, I guess. Judy: [to sister] Do you go to church? Defendants Witness: Im a Christian. Judy: Did you ever go to church? Defendants Witness: [giggling] Yes... Judy: [audience laughs and she raps on her table for them to be quiet] Did you ever go to church? Defendants Witness: Yes, I did. Judy: Would you wear that outfit to church? Defendants Witness: No, I wouldnt. Judy: No. You know, I just wanted to know where your head was at...When did the plaintiff put a fuel pump in your car? Defendant: Um, I would say May. Judy: May of 2010? Defendant: Yep. Around my birthday. Judy: "Yep" is not an answer. Defendant: Yes. Judy: [points to defendants sister] "Yes" is an answer. "Yep" goes with that outfit. [audience laughs again]"

"to a young woman suing a former friend for a broken toilet: The toilet broke while she was using it - that doesnt mean that she broke it, and it doesnt mean that shes responsible for it! Toilets break - I had one just break in my apartment last week! Cost me $650 to put in a new toilet! You think I went around to try to find the last person who sat on it? [audience breaks into laughter] Dont be STUPID! GROW UP! Thats all."