Charles Farrar Browne

The female woman is one of the greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste.

N.B. This is rote sarcastikul.

Hearto4, as I hav numerously obsarved, I have abstrained from having any sentimunts or principles, my pollertics, like my religion, bein of a exceedin accommodatin character. But the fack can't be no longer disgised that a Krysis is onto …

...their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin enuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to.

I now bid you a welcome adoo.

They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of his birthplace, etc., make it prof'tible cherishin' it.

The sun has a right to "set" where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen.

Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrer [sic] money to do it with.

He is dreadfully married. "He's the most married man I ever saw in my life."

Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness?

The Puritans nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybody else from enjoyin his.

My wife is one of the best wimin on this continent, altho' she isn't always gentle as a lamb, with mint sauce.

Did you ever have the measels, and if so, how many?

I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am.

The prevailin' weakness of most public men is to Slop over. G. Washington never slopt over.

I am not a politician, and my other habits are good, also.