As a kid I often heard from my mom, as well as from the teachers in ev — Bob Saget

"My dad went through a sea of deaths. The oldest of six, he buried his four younger brothers and four of his children. Yes, I was it. His philosophy after grieving was to laugh. To try to bring some joy to others, because life is just so hard sometimes. Because it ends. My father also had a huge amount of dignity. This Mark Twain quote sums up the way my father and mother felt about life: "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." As crazy and dark as I would imagine some of these stories sounded, I am very proud of the life I have led so far. I have a lot of love in my life. And a lot of laughs. And I wish that for you all. I wish that even for the guy in the audience with his arms folded."

"Kids, do not f*ck that sh*t; youll get an infection."

"What I wanted to share were my feelings about how humor gets you through this life and through all the dark times. For me, its occasionally irreverent and immature humor. But funny is funny. Like my friend Rodney Dangerfield used to say, "It is what it is." As I was adding those words earlier in this book, I was inspired to call my friend David Permut, who was Rodneys dear friend as well. I dont call David that much — good friend that I am — and I called him on his cell, unblocked. David answered the phone: "Youre not going to believe this." I said, "What did I do? Have one of those psychic moments that Im always bragging I have?" He continued: "Bob, I am standing at this moment on Rodneys star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame." Hed had a meeting to go to and visited Rodneys star because he had a half hour to kill. He hadnt been there since the day he and I were there for the ceremony when Rodney got the star. The morning he got some "respect." A moment of synchronicity like that tells me that everything is where its supposed to be. We all have them; they give us chills and let us know we are truly in the present. The key is to remember the moments. Dont take them for granted. I learned from everyone I treasure — my daughters, my parents, Don Rickles, all my friends and relatives who went through huge losses our entire childhoods — that humor, however you define it, gets us through the saddest of times."

"If you laugh at that, you lower the bar, and I will limbo under it because I am a f*cked-up guy!"

"People ask me what my favorite episode of Full House is; it was the last one!"

"Full House gave me Tourettes. We would be on the set, and, action! "Okay, Michelle, you cant have a horse in the house--" and, cut! "Cock sh*t f**k!"