Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more c — Dave Barry

"First of all, lets dispense with this absurd stereotype that the French are rude. The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you."

"The problem is, when Oprah lost all that weight, her head didnt get any smaller. And so she looks kind of like a person carrying a balloon."

"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes."

"I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to."

"As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula."

"The transportation bill had over $5 billion worth of special local projects and favors attached to it, lamprey-like, by various congresspersons. But this is good, because these projects will CREATE JOBS. See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs."