Dont cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, itll be free yogurt — Stephen Colbert

"Yes, we all know the famous saying: where there’s smoke, there’s success."

"Such a proud moment of professionalism. You work for years crafting cogent satirical essays and the thing that everybody remembers is me making love to a Chiquita and bursting into laughter. What you cant see off camera is Jon started laughing first. And then Im weak. As much as I want to make the audience laugh, I really want to make Jon laugh."

"My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned, but an idiot… So we said, "Lets give him a promotion."

"Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I dont mean the argument over who came up with the word. I dont know whether its a new thing, but its certainly a current thing, in that it doesnt seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But thats not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. Its certainty. People love the president because hes certain of his choices as a leader, even if the facts that back him up dont seem to exist. Its the fact that hes certain that is very appealing to a certain section of the country. I really feel a dichotomy in the American populace. What is important? What you want to be true, or what is true?"

"I think of him as well intentioned, poorly informed, high status idiot."

"Would an untalented man be able to compose the following satirical witticism?: Go f-ck yourself."

"In the life of the mass-order, the culture of the generality tends to conform to the demands of the average human being. Spirituality decays through being diffused among the masses when knowledge is impoverished in every possible way by rationalisation until it becomes accessible to the crude understanding of all."

"I say this to you because we Spaniards are a forgetful people, because we are used to living for the moment, because we do not look back, because we do not know how to see the chain of heroes, because we do not contemplate the sum of sacrifices."

"Sharon Tate was my best friend. Once, we were roommates. She introduced me to my husband. She was the godmother to my baby daughter who is named for her. In the six years time that I knew her, she never said an unkind word about anyone."

"Long time to see. (VS: Tapion)"

"Most mathematicians prove what they can, von Neumann proves what he wants." Once in a discussion about the rapid growth of mathematics in modern times, von Neumann was heard to remark that whereas thirty years ago a mathematician could grasp all of mathematics, that is impossible today. Someone asked him: "What percentage of all mathematics might a person aspire to understand today?" Von Neumann went into one of his five-second thinking trances, and said: "About 28 percent."

"Children must be free to think in all directions irrespective of the peculiar ideas of parents who often seal their childrens minds with preconceived prejudices and false concepts of past generations. Unless we are very careful, very careful indeed, and very conscientious, there is still great danger that our children may turn out to be the same kind of people we are."