I know this is probably gonna get me kicked out of the atheists union, — The Now Show

"Chitty Chitty Bang Bang — the original Pimp My Ride."

"Scientists in Newcastle have apparently succeeded in synthesizing artificial human sperm. I would like to say to them WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! Nice going, guys, you just rendered us all completely superfluous, havent you?!"

"The Apollo landings, by contrast, didnt seem to lead anywhere, and the exciting space-traveling future never arrived. By this time we were supposed to be walking around dressed in lycra body suits, drinking florescent drinks, having recreational sex with holograms, and sleeping in an oxygen pod. All weve actually got are the florescent drinks."

"I suppose I could wish for an iPad, but then Id be the sort of person who has an iPad, which, with the exception of Our Father Who Art Steven Fry, should be punishable by death. "Look at me! Ive got an iPad! I can read books on the beach." Really? I learned to swim."

"I swear, someone only has to stub their toe in Eritrea and some lefty in a hair shirt will start scratching their forearms and squaking "Were to blame, really" and "Whats so good about our value system anyway?" and "Yes, actually I do believe a world without borders could work." Oh shut up, tiresome, lentil-munching, self-hating, reductionist... oh, Id better stop there or none of my friends will speak to me."

"I am literally petrified of unicorns. I cant get to sleep at night due to my fear of having one eye poked out when arguing with a unicorn at a Scrabble tournament. And the more people tell me unicorns dont exist, or that theyre no good at Scrabble, or that theyre in fact excellent negotiators, the more suspicious I get."