Im not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I dont need, — Maria Bamford

"My old lip color could barely keep up with my busy schedule. In the time it takes to notice the wide discrepancy between my salary and that of my male peers, Id have to reapply! In the seconds to count the number of women in high political office, seated on corporate executive boards and featured in film and television over the age of 40, my lip color would be as invisible as this glass ceiling only inches above my head! LOreal. Because I am worth it. And because holding myself to an impossible standard of beauty keeps me from starting a riot!"

"I wish Id get mad about something that actually, you know, kinda mattered. Go in Target and be like: "You know what? If you cant help me, then I need to speak to someone who can, because this is a three dollar pair of flip-flops made by a 5-year-old Guatemalan girl, and Im not leaving until she gets benefits and an education under the NAFTA Fair Trade Agreement. You better go get a manager. This could take awhile."

"Over seven thousand US veterans die of suicide every year, which is funny... [false laughter]... because youd think theyd die over there, but they come home! Right? I thought that must be funny, because nobody was taking it that seriously."

"She said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fufilling my potential would really cut into my sittin around time."

"Time flies when you are anxious!"

"I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I dont wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too."