"Ive gotta be hallucinating because Im seeing the guy I was never supposed to see again. His green eye and brown eye are staring at me in shock too. Hes wearing a gray hoodie and baggy blue jeans with a brown leather satchel hanging from his shoulder. One hand is balled into a fist like hes about to get his revenge hit- or like he was about to knock on the door. Every rapid thought about the guy coming for revenge flies out of my head when I see something in his other hand thats as unbelievable as him being here. Alano holds up the star rug from the market. "I figured you needed this now more than ever," he says sympathetically- no, lovingly. I unfreeze, but instead of taking the star rug, I break down crying, and even though I dont deserve to ever touch him again, I ask, no, I beg, "Can I hug you?" "Yes," Alano says. I step into his arms, ignoring all the pain that is supposed to be warning me away from guys like him, and I sob as he pulls me even closer against his body, like were one person. I will lie and lie and lie to anyone, but I cant lie to myself about how much holding Alano feels like hanging on for dear life so I dont fall off the Hollywood Sign."
Adam Silvera is an American author of young adult fiction. His work frequently centers on queer characters and explores themes of identity, grief, and mortality. He is known for the bestselling novels More Happy Than Not (2015), History Is All You Left Me (2017), and They Both Die at the End (2017), which gained renewed public interest in 2020 through Tiktok's BookTok sub-community.
"Some people like ‘happily ever after,’ but I don’t think that’s me. I’m always writing from some difficult place and seeing how the character survives … or doesn’t. When I really want to be comforted myself what I look for is a story about how somebody could survive something really difficult. There are happy stories out there but I think some of them may raise false expectations for teens…"
"All stories that are centring queer kids and their experiences are all valid whether it’s dealing with the trials of having parents who aren’t as welcoming about it or parents who are totally chill about it, which is obviously the hope for all teenagers. I think there are some things that could be said too, especially culturally, like there’s a lot of stigma in the Puerto Rican community that fathers especially are so hyper masculine that they will always be uncomfortable with their children being gay…"
"Its storming outside right now. I stare out the window. I cant tell you if it rained yesterday or even what day it is. It always feels like Im waking up, minute after minute, like Im in my own little time zone. But as I trace my smiling scar- unable to do so without remembering the time Thomas poked two eyes onto my wrist with dirt- I still have hope in what Evangeline and Leteo hope for, too. And while I wait, happiness exists where I can get it. In these notebooks, where worlds of memories greet me, almost like a childhood friend who moved away for years and finally came back home. Im more happy than not. Dont forget me."
"Hiding doesnt bother you. If believers never see Gods face, why should they see yours?"
"And if bringing up the past annoys you now- as I know it did when you left New York for California- know that Im sorry, but please dont be mad at me for reliving all of it. History is all you left me."
"I don’t ever see any character as 100 percent good or 100 percent evil…"