People get the wrong idea about me, they think Im depressed or somethi — Frankie Boyle

"I watched Hannah Gadsbys show Nanette. Now, its a really great show, you should watch it if you get the chance. She talks a lot in it about comedy and her main point is that she feels that, herself as an oppressed person, shes often used her comedy to let the audience off too lightly - she makes a lot of good points. I think the problem with stand-up comedy is it simplifies stuff. Its hard to get at the truth when youve got to get a lot of regular laughs. And sometimes I think, am I trying to get to the truth here or am I just trying to tell funnier lies? So for example, I think she simplifies some stuff in her show. She says, stand-up comedy works by creating a tension in the audience, thats then punctured with a punch line. I dont think mine works like that, I think for me the tension arrives in the punchline. My uncle always said "do something you love, and you never have to work a day in your life" - he did heroin. (laughter) The tension arrives in the punchline and the setup line is almost supposed to be soothing, really. People say, dont they, that you only regret the things in your life that you dont do. I dont know who said that first, but its someone whos never broken two corkscrews trying to get an unlubricated parsnip out of their arse. (laughter) The tension arrives... in the punchline."

"Sometimes I write stuff now and I go "am I really rebelling there, or am I just conforming?" Because our society works on conformity. People talk about racist cops; they dont select for racism. There isnt a test where they go "Im afraid you failed; you answered several questions about the history of Motown correctly." They test you for conformity so that youll just nod along with structural racism, and sometimes I say to myself "well, am I conforming?" So look, I compèred Live at the Apollo a couple of years ago - which is a type of conformity in itself - and at the time, youre supposed to do jokes on all these celebrities theyve got down at the front and one of them was this really brilliant female boxer who I really admired and Id followed her whole career. I had written this joke which I was really proud of which was "At the Olympics, in the womens boxing, they fought in two minute rounds which was good, because if had been three minute rounds I think I would have ejaculated my own pelvis." (laughter) And you know, I really laughed when I wrote that. I thought "thats fucking hilarious" because youd never say that to someones face, would you? And then as I was walking to the show I was thinking; people do say that kind of thing, people say that kind of thing in school - especially me. People say it now on social media, so am I just fucking conforming here? And what am I conforming with, a deeply sexist society?"

"I do think that getting a dog says something about you, it says; Im so lonely that I could pick up shit."

"Apparently theyre going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges."

"Theres two empty seats right middle - this is supposed to be sold out, where are they? I hope theyre dead in a fucking car crash!"

"At least Theresa May went, she had to go didnt she? Towards the end she had all the authority of the "Do Not Tumble-dry" label. She always had the charm of a fucking war crime. Towards the end her body language had gone; I didnt realise it was possible to limp with both legs. So now weve got Boris Johnson; an evolutionary dead-end of the Honey Monster. A bin bag of albino body parts. A cross between the Incredible Hulk and a Haribo fried egg... is the fucking prime minister! The Prime Minister! Its not just that hes the worst person for the job, he might be the worst mammal! And lets not forget how they create these people; theyre created in the public school system, thats where they lose their empathy. Theyre forged in the crucible of hierarchical sodomy. Thats why they cant get along, the last time the cabinet saw eye-to-eye it was over the back of a weeping first year. Incidentally, Im not one of those people who thinks theres a paedophile ring in Westminster, I think its probably more of a queue."