The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I beli — Dane Cook

"So Im hanging out with all my buddies and um... I realized something. Think of the group of people youve known the longest in your life. Think of the group of friends that youve hung out with the most. Maybe you are all here tonight. And this is what Ive realized. I had an epiphany and here it is right here. Theres one person in every group of friends that nobody fucking likes. You basically keep them there to hate their guts. When that person is not around your little base camp, your hobby is cutting that person down. Example: Karen is always a douchebag. Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche. And when shes not around you just look at each other go: "God Karen, shes such a douchebag. Until she walks up and then youre like: "Hey whats up Karen? Kaaaaren, whats up Karen?" Theres always that one person and Im looking out and some of you guys are like: "Hmmm, I disagree." Well youre the person...youre the person nobody likes."

"Next time youre at the airport, right, this is fun to do. Youre at the airport, and you see somebody waiting for their flight, okay. Theyre sitting there, reading the paper, whatever, just chilling out. This is what youre gonna do, just like this. Youre gonna walk over to them really slowly. Just walk over, alright, and stand right in from em. Dont say anything. Like, wait till they feel you there, know what I mean? When they finally look up at you, just really seriously look at them right in the eyes and go like this, "Dont get on the flight". You know theyre sitting there goin, "I don’t think I should get on this fucking flight. I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight. Thank you, angel wearing jeans!"

"Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doin 80?!"

"I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy like 15 times cause they said they thought he had a a grenade. HE WAS EATING A PEAR! How do you fuck that up?! Unless he was eating it like "AHHHHHH! *throws pear* THATS A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!"

"I was being chased by a giant crab. [Audience laughs] Thats not funny."

"Who doesnt like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and NO!"