"To be a working journalist one needs tact, aplomb, a wide general knowledge, an inventive mind, a faculty for quick action, a nose for news, an ear for scandal, and a mouth for drinking purposes. Also a pencil and some paper. The last three items are absolutely essential."
"I have never yet met a barber who didnt know everything, and such being the case it is only right that he be given his proper social and professional status in the community.I defy anybody to stun a barber with a question he cant answer, be it foreign affairs, skin diseases, horses or hang- overs. Just the same, it seems a pity that barbering should be degraded to the level of the medical and legal professions."
"I have taken precautions about losing the front door-key. I have it tied around my waist underneath my singlet. It means getting partly undressed each time I want to open the door but its better than sitting on the door-step all night. Or is it?"
"A whales best friend is its blubber."
"Australia is now a nation. We are entitled to call ourselves a nation because we owe several billion pounds abroad and are among the highest taxed people in the world."
"I diet very strenuously myself. First my breakfast, then diet; lunch followed by a fairly light diet in order to prepare for afternoon tea, which should be followed by a fair amount of dieting until dinner time. If the system can stand it, one should fast from then until supper."
"A cold plunge is bracing. Have the bath about three-quarters full of cold water. Lock the bathroom door. Slap the water a few times with the open hand and sing "Dye Ken John Peel" in a loud voice and say, "Phoo! Hah! Phow!" This means that you are actually having a cold bath. Stay a reasonable time in the bathroom and then pull the plug out of the bath and emerge, prancing slightly. I have done this every winter for years and have never been found out yet. But be sure to wet the soap."