When you look like I do, its hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Ch — Zach Galifianakis

"Sometimes I order a beet salad, so when the waiter comes and lays down my salad I can say "thanks for laying down those funky beets". Its an expensive joke because I dont even like beets."

"I like to stump Google. The other day I Googled "how many Mexicans live in North Korea"....Google didnt know. I also Googled "how many candles does Dave Navarro own?"...14,000."

"I was named after my grandad. Yes, my name is Zach Grandad Galifianakis."

"Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63."

"Hello, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I hope Im pronouncing that right."

"The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because its worth a shitload of points."