Attila the Stockbroker

"It first was a rumour dismissed as a lie but then came the evidence none could deny: a double page spread in the Sunday Express — The Russians are running the DHSS!"

"He wanted me to beat him up! It was an open invitation! Late at night he picked me up — an act of open provocation!"

"I dont want a fortnight on the Costa del Sol Dont wanna go to Bognor — its a plague-ridden hole and it dont fit in with my ideology... Down the Adriatic to the Vlora bay Twenty pints of Fosters and Im away Cos now I know just where I wanna be: Albania — thats the place for me!"

"No agony, no ecstacy, no pleasure and no pain — so exquisitely uninteresting you drive your wife insane The TV is your oracle, the newspapers your guide and your shiny little vehicle is your passion and your pride Youve done the same things every day for nigh on forty years and in your ludicrous routines you hide your worthless fears On the blandest boat in Boredom you are captain of the crew and every time I eat vegetables it makes me think of you."

"So thin, and yet... so thick."

"My wardrobe is like a garden oh, I dont know how Ive got the gall! my wardrobe is just like a wardrobe — its not like a garden at all!"

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was Gotcha!"

"And the Lord Rupert looked at his work, and even he saw that it was a load of crap, but this was the enterprise culture and it sold millions so it was good. And on the same basis he decided to take over the television too, and the earth itself wept, and little robins vomited, and cuddly furry animals threw themselves under trains, and the whole thing was filmed by Sky Channel for a horror nature programme, and the most awful thing of all was that this was just the beginning."

"Hitching up the M11 coming back from a Dexys gig got picked up bout half eleven by this bloke in a funny wig"

"A five pence fine is right and proper — and to sum up my defence it was his fault he came a cropper: CONTRIBUTORY NEGLIGENCE!"

"I am one of a team of Iraqi weapons inspectors currently travelling through the United Kingdom under very difficult conditions searching for weapons of mass distraction."