Charlie Brooker

"Its a rum state of affairs when you feel like punching a jar of mayonnaise in the face."

"One of the side-effects of having your work appear in a public forum such as this is that people often email me asking for advice on how to break into writing, presumably figuring that if a drooling gum-brain like me can scrape a living witlessly pawing at a keyboard, theres hope for anyone."

"Well, babies are notoriously foul-mouthed. [shot of Charlie pointing at a doll] This one just called Derek a prick!"

"Thats certainly made me think - its made me think, "I dont know if I want a television any more."

"Until this week the one thing I knew about the Twilight saga was that it had vampires in it, which was enough to put me off. I didnt realise it was a romantic fantasy aimed at teenage girls. Turns out its possible to be put off something twice before youve actually seen it."

"Oh good, this is hardly ever on."