Finley Peter Dunne

"Th’ dead ar-re always pop’lar. I knowed a society wanst to vote a monyment to a man an’ refuse to help his fam’ly, all in wan night."

"A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th Lord wud do if He knew th facts iv th case."

"In England a man is presoomed to be innocent till hes proved guilty an they take it f r granted hes guilty. In this counthry a man is presoomed to be guilty ontil hes proved guilty an afther that hes presoomed to be innocent."

"Sure, politics aint bean-bag. Tis a mans game, an women, childer, cripples an prohybitionists d do well to keep out iv it."

"Th Turkey bur-rds th rale cause iv Thanksgivin. Hes th naytional air. Abolish th Turkey an ye desthroy th tie that binds us as wan people."

"Thrust ivrybody—but cut th ca-ards."

"But dont ask fr rights. Take thim. An dont let anny wan give thim to ye. A right that is handed to ye fer nawthin has somethin th mather with it. Its more than likely its only a wrong turned inside out."

"Whin annything was wrote about a man twas put this way: "We undhershtand on good authority that M-l-chi H---y, Esquire, is on thrile before Judge G---n on an accusation iv l--c-ny. But we dont think its true." Nowadays th larceny is discovered be a newspa-aper. Th lead pipe is dug up in yeer back yard be a rayporther who knew it was there because he helped ye bury it.[...] Th newspaper does ivrything fr us. It runs th polis foorce an th banks, commands th milishy, controls th ligislachure, baptizes th young, marries th foolish, comforts th afflicted, afflicts th comfortable, buries th dead an roasts thim aftherward. They aint annything it dont turn its hand to frm explainin th docthrine iv thransubstantiation to composin saleratus biskit. Ye can get anny kind iv information ye want to in yeer fav’rite newspaper about yeersilf or annywan else. What th Czar whispered to th Impror Willum whin they were alone, how to make a silk hat out iv a wire matthress, how to settle th coal sthrike, who to marry, how to get on with ye’er wife whin ye’re married, what to feed th babies, what doctor to call whin yeve fed thim as directed—all iv that yell find in th pa-apers."