Gabriel Iglesias

"My favorite people to have fun with are police officers cause theyre so serious, you know. They gotta be, you know. Check this out. I get pulled over one night coming out of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru. Dont get ahead of me, listen! [Laughs] I made a left turn instead of making a right, but I wasnt paying attention cause I had a box, right? I was like "[Gasp] Oh, youre gonna get it when you get home. Youve been so bad!" So I went the wrong way, right? [Mimics car engine noise and gestures to turn left.] Sure enough, [Mimics police siren] "OOGGG!" Im sitting there patiently waiting for the cop but hes taking forever, I said "You know what, to hell with this, hes taking too long!" I grab my box, I put it on my lap, I flipped it open, right? [Licks finger and pretends to touch one of the donuts and screams] Just as I was about to get into my donuts, the cop gets to the window and he says the same thing they all say, "You know why I pulled you over?" I couldnt help it: I looked up at him and I said "Cause you can smell it!" Oh, he was dying, man! Son of a bitch!"

"I have a thing for soda, I love it. [Points to the side of the stage] I know they gave me water, but- [Looks over to the side] Ooh-hoo, a soda! [Walks to it] I didnt even see it there. [Goes to a stool on the side of the stage, a bottle of water and a glass of soda sitting on it.] Excuse me, uno momento. [Picks up the glass of soda]..."Pepsi."

"A lot has changed, El Paso, a lot has changed. One things for sure, Im still the fluffy guy. And I say "fluffy" because that is the politically correct term, for those of you who dont remember I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Cruces. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and DAMN! People ask, "What could be bigger than DAMN!" The new levels called "OH HELL NO!" Whats the difference? Youre still willing to work with level five. Example, if youre on an elevator and youre with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and youre like, "DAAAMN!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. Thats the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, [Deep growling noise] [Pretends to be a shocked passenger and starts pushing the "close door" button.] "OH HELL NO!" [Growl] "NO!!" [Growl] "NO!!" [Pretends to kick the fat man out] Thats the difference. The guy that I met was six foot eight, six hundred and fourteen pounds. Uh-huh, OH HELL NO!! And he was offended at my show. Not by anything that I said, but because of the fact that now at the shows I started selling T-shirts and apparently, I didnt have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to 5X on the T-shirts and he was like, [Deep growling voice] "You dont have my size." I was like, "Dude, I didnt know they MADE you! I have up to 5X, I dont have [Growl] X!" A picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag, you know?"

"Now, if you know for a fact that you are going to go to jail, okay? Youre already like, "Im gone," have a little fun. I dont mean taking off in a high-speed pursuit. No, no, no, dont do that, cause youre not going to get very far. I mean, if youre drunk, and you know youre going to go to jail, you know, and you have tinted windows, have a little extra fun. Take off your seatbelt, jump over to the passenger side, throw your seatbelt back on, and just wait for the cop. [Acts like hes just sitting and waiting, giggle] You have no idea how far youre going to throw his ass off, you guys. Hes going to come over to the drivers side with a flashlight, and... [Acts like a police officer, using his microphone like a flashlight. Acts like hes confused, looking, then bending over, shining his "flashlight" inside.] Youre sitting there...[Looks over, smiling; slurring] "He was here a second ago. [audience laughs] I dont know where he went. Xcuse me, what? Me drive? Oh, hell no, Im fucked up!"

"So, I come home, I was so tired, and I look at my phone to check my messages, and I had a voicemail message from a guy by the name of Channing Tatum. [Female audience members cheer and woop] Now, for those of you not "woo"-ing, let me explain who that is. Channing Tatum is the new Hollywood hot guy, hes doing all these movies, coming out really good-looking, ripped, you know. Hes making a lot of films, and theres a voicemail on there from him. "Gabriel Iglesias, this is Channing Tatum, call me at your earliest convenience..." blah-blah-blah. So, I was like, "Well, okay." So, I call him. [Mimics dialing on phone and ringing] "Hello?" "Hi, this is Gabriel Iglesias calling for Mr. Channing Tatum?" He yells, "FLUFFY!" [Mimes pulling his phone away in surprise] "...Hello?" "Oh, dude, man, Im a huge fan. Hey, listen, real quick, I only have, like, a minute. Look, bro, Im doing a new movie, and I was wondering if youd be interested in reading and auditioning for one of the parts." I said, "Sure, bro, Id be happy to audition for...for your movie. Whats it called?" He goes, "The movies called Magic Mike." [Female audience members woop loudly] I was like, "Oh, cool, Magic Mike. So, you need a magician, you need an assistant, you gonna saw me in half, whats gonna happen?" "Actually, bro. The movie has nothing to do with magic. Its actually a movie about male strippers." I said, "Male strippers?" He goes, "Yeah, male strippers." I said, "You do know that this is Gabriel Iglesias, right?"

"The next thing I know, Im on the set of the movie Magic Mike. The movie is directed by a director named Steven Soderbergh, whos an amazing, amazing director, hes done a lot of great films. And, of course, Channing Tatums in the movie. In addition, theres an actor by the name of Matthew McConaughey, whos attached to the movie. [Several audience members cheer] Im a huge fan of Matthew McConaughey, okay? When I found out that I was gonna work with him, I was so excited, you know? People ask me, "Really, you get star-struck?" Hell yeah! Im a comedian, not an actor. So, I show up, and, immediately, they send me to the makeup trailer thats outside. So, I go into the makeup trailer, I sit down, they start working on my hair, they start putting makeup on me, and in comes Matthew McConaughey, and he sits down on the chair right next to me. And I start freaking out, "Oh, my God, thats Matthew McConaughey!" [Stutters excitedly] And, now, I decide to introduce myself before I did or said something stupid, right? So, I look over to him, and I say, "Excuse me, Mr. McConaughey? How are you doing? My names Gabriel Iglesias, Im going to be playing the role of Tobias, the club DJ, and I just wanted to say Hello, and that its an honor to work with you." And, in my head, Im thinking, "I hope hes the same guy. I hope hes the same person in the movies, I hope his voice is the same, I hope his accents the same." And he turns to me, and he says, [Imitating Matthew McConaughey] "All riiight." [Audience cheers] "How you doin there, big man? You doin good?" "Im doing good." "All riiight." And, Im spazzing out. [Gives excited gibberish]"

"Since the last time I was here, Ive had a few things change in my life. Some things happened that were so crazy, that I couldnt even believe it was a possibility. First thing that happened was I had my first ever celebrity death hoax, meaning that someone faked my death on the internet and it went viral. Someone wrote an amazing article that was read by over 30 million people that was so good, even I was like, "Oh my god, I was so nice." [Audience laughs] TMZ reported it for 30 minutes until they called my publicist and confirmed I was still alive. The article said that I had died on October 31st from complications of Type II diabetes. And in my head, Im thinking to myself, thats a hell of a day to kill a diabetic. You know what I mean? Thats like killing Santa on Christmas Eve. Thirty million people read this article, no one thought to call me...except Martin. [audience cheers] Thats right. Martin was the only one that called me, and I think that was just to verify that he still had employment. [audience laughs] I got that phone call: [Imitates phone ringing] "Hello?" Martin was like, "Hey...you dead?" "No man, Im good." "I figured. You wouldve texted me." [Mimes Martin hanging up his phone] And I wouldve, cause thats the kind of friend I am, you know?"

"My son, hes eighteen years old, but he still doesnt cuss at home. Okay? Now, whatever he does in public, I have no control over. But at home, he knows he cannot cuss. One time. One time in, like, thirteen years, I caught my son cussing at home, and I couldnt even get mad: Hed fallen down the stairs. [laughter] I dont mean to laugh but think about it. What am I going to do to him thats worse than what he just did to himself? I heard it, too. "AH!" [imitates someone falling down stairs] "Son of a bitch!" I ran over, I didnt even check his safety. I was like, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" [Imitates Frankie looking worried at Gabriel] "Yeah, you earned that one." I said, "If you want to say the F word, next time let me push you."

"You know when youre [driving] drunk, youre like [Imitates car driving and going over the bumps on the edge of the road], behind you, you hear [Imitates big rig horn] [slurring] "Shut up, stupid!" You know, if you hear the magical sound [Imitates police siren], one of two things will pop in your head. Either one, [slurring] "Im okay, Im fine...I can beat this." Or two, [police siren] "Im gonna go to jail. Ima gonna jail. Hey, gonna hafta let you go babe, Ima gonna jail. Tell the kids I love em, bye."

"Three years ago, I bought a Beetle, not even thinking. [Audience laughs some] Thats not the joke, shut up. See? I cant even tell you guys a story. [mocking laugh] I wasnt thinking, I bought the car, because it was affordable, economical, brand-new freakin Beetle for like $17,000. I was, like, "AHHH!" First new car, you know? I go to show it off at my friend Martins house. I thought it was nice. I pull up, like, [Imitates car driving, then brakes screeching] "MARTEEEEEEEEEEEEN!" He lives in the hood, I dont get out of the car. Across the street, there are these gang members, the kind of gang members that, they dont get into like shooting people and stuff like that, they just sit on the porch and talk a lot of smack. So Im there in a Beetle and across the street, I hear this. I was like, "MARTEEEEEEN!" Over here, I hear, "Oralé!" [Looks behind] "Hey, whats up guys, hows it going?" "How did you get in there, esé?" [Gives an frustrated look] "HURRY UP, MARTIN!" 2 months later, I go back to pick him up. Now, Ive had some time to work on the car. I put some rims on it, some stickers on it, I put a chip in the motor that makes it go faster. I thought I was bad, right? So I pull up, [Imitates car driving, tires screeching, and the motor revving] "MARTEEEEEN!" [Gesturing to the voice behind him] "Orale!" [Gabriel shakes his head] Uh-uh, Im not turning around. "Hey!" Mmm-mm. "Hey!" I dont see you! "Yoo-hoo!" [Growls and turns around] "EH!" WHAT?! "Check it out, eh, its the Fat and the Furious!"

"My favorite thing [about Latino television] are the commercials. Because theyre always about sex. You dont know what the product is until, like, the last two seconds. Its always some model comes walking out, all sexy, like, [Mimics sexy music] [Feminine voice] "Hola." [Resumes music] [Feminine voice] "Ay que rico!"...And on the 28th second, like, [Mimics female giving a pleasured shout]..."Pepsi." [Audience laughs] And youre sitting there, going, "I gotta go get a Pepsi!"

"And then I realized I was being checked out by GUYS! And I know they were checking me out, because they were looking at me like I look at tacos. And I thought to myself, "Oh my god, I can turn on a man! [Grins and struts] Shoot!" And I called my girlfriend, and I said, "Baby, you better not mess this up; I have options!"