Harry Hill

"I understand that theres a large party of Scottish people here tonight... [Silence] Ill kill that researcher!"

"Anyone got a van? [Silence] Thats right, you never see them any more, do you, vans. Trying to spoil my DVD?"

"I remember the shouts of "SCAB!" as my father went to work during the great dermatologists strike."

"Why is it only Tudor buildings we mock?"

"Ive got a sister in Australia, so when I phone her up there is a slight delay on the line after Ive spoken because shes a bit thick."

"Youre probably like me, when your doorbell rings, your dog goes racing up to the door...but its never for him, is it? "Who did you think it was going to be, one of your little friends?"

"The left side of the brain is responsible for speech, but then it would say that."

"Nan, she died again, tragically. We decided to get her embalmed, we threw a bit of money at it. And the embalmer asked us if we had any photos of Nan that he could work from. But unfortunately, the only photo we had was of Nan on the log-flume at Alton Towers."