Joan Rivers

"Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer."

"There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl."

"My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash."

"Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear."

"Why do wives have to spend so much time dusting, vacuuming, mopping, making beds, washing dishes, when you just have to do it all again six months later?"

"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."

"I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes shes a tramp."

"My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy."

"Two is company; three is fifty bucks."

"Dont tell your kids you had an easy birth or they wont respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep."

"Looking fifty is great—if youre sixty."