Kevin Smith

"God is a great concept, [but it] doesnt work"

"Guy from audience: Your wife is your beard! Kevin: My wife is my beard isnt she?... Oh, sir, who was it? It was you? That was your move. Cause in your head youre going "Im gonna yell out your wife is your beard and theyll laugh like they laughed at the rock guy!" And you yelled it out, you got it out there, you had the guts to do it and shit, and then I even echoed it for you just in case the cheap seats didnt hear it, and there was fucking crickets, sir."

"Sir, I just think thats its fucking brilliant that you somehow managed to tie Chuck Norris, Chewbacca the Wookie, and Jesus Christ together."

"Ten years in and we bone like were cheating on each other WITH each other. A decade-plus and her clit/brown/taint-area still pOwns my dick."

"Dont get me wrong, I love Schindlers List, but its not like "Hey, man, lets get loaded and watch Schindlers List." - SModcast 4: Can I get a (Masturbatory) Witness"

"Whats your name, new best friend?"

"Americans tend to celebrate even the most mediocre or basic accomplishments... Its like weddings to me. Why is that a big deal?... Why do you have to have a big shindig where youre, like, "Look, were doing it" and everybody applauds and throws shit in your face. - SModcast 1: Fisting Flipper"

"In Hollywood, you just kind of fail upwards."

"They are creepy, too, man. Those puppets dont make me feel good. Ill be honest, nothing about this show makes me feel good."

"There would always be a bunch of fucking grousers and nay-sayers being like "that was uncalled for."