Linda Smith

"For the Government, it is quite hard for them to find media faces – to find people to head up campaigns – because they are all so weird-looking, arent they? They all look like Muppets who have been left too close to a radiator. I dont like to mock the afflicted, but how did anyone know that Willie Whitelaw had had a stroke? What genius spotted that? I mean, with most people its quite a dramatic change, isnt it? But what happened? Someone thought Oh, Willies dribbled an extra pint today. Whats going on? Well run a few tests."

"So thats my home town, and I come from a perfectly ordinary working-class family; and in fact, I didnt really meet middle-class people until I went to university. It was quite a shock, really. People were saying things like Well, I was always going to end up doing English, because I was brought up surrounded by books - brought up in a house full of books; and Id think Yes, so was I; but they were full of Green Shield stamps. I suppose we could have swapped them for books, but we had our eye on a twin-tub. I say ordinary, but there was one thing a little bit different about my family, in that my mum and dad were quite a bit older than people normally are when they start a family. And there was a downside to that, really. Well, for a start, all my friends parents were just slightly older than them, and really trendy and dressed in cool clothes, and dropping them off at the bus and going Ciao! I used to dream of Ciao!, because my mums catchphrase on the bus was Thank you, driver."

"As Linda drifted in and out of consciousness, her fellow comedian Mark Steel noticed Joan Collins on the television. “I was on a chat show with Joan Collins,” he told fellow comedian Andy Hamilton. "How old is she?" Hamilton asked. "I think she must be close to 75," replied Steel. From beneath the pile of bedclothes a little voice piped up: “How much is that in human years?”"

"If God wanted us to believe in him, hed exist."

"People knock ASBOs but you have to bear in mind they are the only qualification some of these kids are going to get."

"Maltesers have the less-fattening centre. Well, yes, but they are covered in chocolate! Thats like saying Ill have a mineral water, please. Can you put some cubes of lard in it?"

"[Of a recipe for Chilli Con Carne] English people may like to substitute a sponge cake at this point. (Series 1, Episode 6)"

"Paul Merton: (on the subject of people wearing bow-ties) People wear bow-ties because its show-business, isnt it? I mean theres Bernard Manning there. I mean, obviously he is in show-business, and Neil Hamilton desperately would like to be in show-business. But thats the idea isnt it? Linda Smith: I dont really like you saying his name, because it gives him the oxygen of publicity and Im not happy with him having the oxygen of oxygen."

"People say Ooh, doesnt Lionel Blair look good for his age? Well, no, not really – not unless hes about five hundred. Otherwise he looks like nothing more than an elaborately coiffured scrotum."

"Sex and politics - sex and politicians. I never understand how any politician gets a shag, really. Can you? A classic example: the David Mellor sex scandal. I bet youre the same as me. Were not shocked by these scandals involving politicians. I bet when that happened, your response was not Good God, thats outrageous! A man in his job, he should be running the country, not messing about like this; no wonder were in a state; terrible! No, that wasnt the response. You open the paper, you read about that, and you go Ha ha ha ha - I dont think so, Dave! I dont think so. In your dreams, perhaps. The interesting person in that relationship is not him; its her - Antonia. A woman of mystery; a mystery woman. Antonia de Sancha, always described as an unemployed actress. Unemployed actress? Hows she an unemployed actress? God! if you can feign sexual interest in David Mellor, I should think Chekhovs a piece of piss. So, she thinks Im an actress. Its a role. Ill prepare. She gets to the bedroom situation. Hes in a kit-off situation, and theres Antonia giving it Red lorry, yellow lorry - Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper. But the hair - thats the main unattractive thing. What barber told him that suited him? Someone winding him up there. Yes, David, thatll suit you, mate: a greasy, oily flap of dirty-looking patent leather, wafting about down one side of your moosh; thatll drive those unemployed actresses mental! (Linda Live, 1993)"

"And the Tories now with their pitiful relaunch - oh, Michael Howard, were supposed to have forgotten him from before, because hes had this Trinny & Susannah makeover; and you imagine them with him, saying, We think youll like what weve done, Michael, just have a little look in the mirror - oh no, you cant really, can you? Weve stitched you a lovely little shadow on - we think youll really like that... Ann Widdecombes confused us all by going blonde - I was watching Question Time for half an hour, thinking Christ - Sue Barkers slapped on a bit of weight!"