Loren J. Simons II.

"Triremes were built to kill. You can’t have fun on a trireme. You can’t water-ski behind one. You can’t hold an afternoon BBQ on one. You can’t do anything but kill on a trireme."

"Why did the Athenians beat the Persians? Because the Persians showed up to the wars with wicker shields. Wicker. The Persians showed up with Pier 1 armor."

"Some gods like their wine poured on the ground because that’s how they like it: dirty. It’s good to be a god."

"The poets said Pericles’ head was shaped like a ‘sea-onion’. I don’t know what a sea-onion is but you don’t want your head to be shaped like one. It’s not a good look."

"Assembly of Citizens is the most important organ of the polis. Are we going to war? This is the types of issue the Assembly directly voted on. Imagine that… You came into this place thinking democracy is great for you have freedom to vote, to occupy. Because we are the 99%."

"The modern desire to look to Athens for lessons or encouragement for modern thought, government, or society must confront this strange paradox: the people that gave rise to and practiced ancient democracy left us almost nothing but criticism of this form of regime (on a philosophical or theoretical level). ... And what is more, the actual history of Athens in the period of its democratic government is marked by numerous failures, mistakes, and misdeeds—most infamously, the execution of Socrates—that would seem to discredit the ubiquitous modern idea that democracy leads to good government."

"What do you know about Sparta? Leather underwear (because you have all seen that terrible movie. Look, even the Greeks didn’t wear leather underwear and do you know why? Because chafing is a universal concept, scholars."