Love and Death

"A. Socrates is a man. B. All men are mortal. C. All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. Oh, well, Im not a homosexual. I - I - Once, some - some Cossacks whistled at me. I - I - I happen to have the kind of body that excites both uh persuasions, but uh you know some men are - are heterosexual, and - and - s-some bisexual, and some men dont think about sex at all, you know, theyre - They become lawyers. My problem is that I - I see both sides of every issue. Im - Im too logical. You know, I - I - I, the world is not logical. If it was logical, h-how would Old Nehamkin be younger than Young Nehamkin? I-I knew there was something crazy about that when I was a kid, but - but every time I said something, theyd smack me, so you know, heh heh. I-Im - Im just wracked with guilt, and Im - Im consumed with remorse and stricken with suffering for the human race. Not only that, but - but Im developing a uh herpe o-on m-my lip here that is really killing me. [sighs] What to do?"

"Then there is a God. Incredible. Moses was right. [A ray of light shines over Boris.] He that abideth in truth will have frankincense and myrrh smeared on his gums in abundance, and he shall dwell in the house of the Lord for six months with an option to buy. But the wicked man shall have all kinds of problems. His tongue shall cleave to the roof of his upper palate. And he shall speak like a woman, if you watch him closely. And he shall . . . The wicked man shall be delivered into the hands of his enemy, whether they can pay the delivery charge or not. And . . . [Ray of light turns off.] Wait, I have more about the wicked man. [The ray turns on again.] I shall walk through the valley of the shadow of death. In fact, now that I think of it, I shall run through the valley of the shadow of death, cause you get out of the valley quicker that way. And he that hath clean hands and a pure heart is okay in my book. But he that fools around with barnyard animals has got to be watched."

"Wheat. Im dead. Theyre talking about wheat. The question is have I learned anything about life. Only that - only that human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if - if it turns out that there is a God, I dont think that Hes evil. I think that - that the worst you can say about Him is that basically, Hes an underachiever. After all, there are worse things in life than death. I mean, if youve - if youve ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you - you know exactly what Im talking about. The - The key here, I think, is to - to not think of death as an end, but - but think of it more as a very effective way of - of cutting down on your expenses. Regarding love, huh, you know, uh, what can you say. I-It - Its not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. Its the quality. On the other hand, if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it. Well, thats about it for me, folks. Goodbye."

"I never want to marry. I just want to get divorced."

"James Tolkan - Napoleon Bonaparte"

"Of course there was Old Greggor and his son Young Greggor. Oddly enough, Young Greggors son was older than Old Greggor. Nobody could figure out how that happened."

"[voiceover] I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If he was a carpenter, I wondered what he charged for bookshelves."

"[to Sonja] Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?"

"[writing aloud] "I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas." Too sentimental."

"Harold Gould - Anton lvanovich Lebedokov"

"Féodor Atkine - Mikhail Grushenko"

"Howard Vernon - General Leveque"