Marc Maron

"He [George W. Bush] was speaking in congress and he was saying "Why do they hate us? Because of what’s going on right here in this chamber: a democratically elected government. Except for me, of course. I took the presidency in a bureaucratic coup with the help of my father’s friends in the courthouse around the corner."

"The only difference between disappointment and depression is your level of commitment."

"I think the reason why were so disconnected and depressing is that...we dont talk to God anymore - or rather, he doesnt talk to us. Remember back in the day? He used to just come out of nowhere. Abraham?! Guess who?!...thats right, its God, youre a genius... He would then tell them to do something and then BAM! it would get done. Whos he talking to now?!...I dont know! I think hes talking to those homeless guys that talk to themselves. You know, the ones that walk down the street arguing with themselves going I cant!...I cant!!!!! ...what if at the other end of that conversation was Youre the new leader! I cant!...I cant!!!!! Theyre not crazy homeless people...theyre reluctant prophets!...better tip them an extra buck the next time you see em."

"We certainly showed those Afghanis for what those Saudis did. But hey, can’t shit where you eat, you know?"

"The FBI and the CIA, I really thought they had everything under control. I thought they knew what was going on with everybody. I thought they had a camera in the air in a satellite right now taking very accurate pictures of my prostate. I thought they had that kind of technology. I thought they knew everything about everybody, but it turns out they’re really no different than many other government bureaucracies, say, the Post Office or the Department of Motor Vehicles. Just, uh, you know, 50-60 year old men waiting for their pensions to kick in. Except for the three that let the attack [9/11] happen. They’ve been promoted."

"Do you think Beethoven had any inkling in even the darkest recesses of his unconscious, when he was deaf and sweating over his Fifth Symphony, that one day it would emit from some idiot’s pocket, and the response would be "Fuck, it’s my mom"?"

"I think, in most cases, the difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment."

"In the digital age our idea of political activism is forwarding an e-mail. You copy four people and think, "Ive fuckin done my part for today."

"I dont want to offend people right out of the gate. I know that some of you believe and I certainly don’t want to mock the myths that define some of you, but um. I choose not to believe in god. Thats ok still, i can do that, right? Its my choice to go through life filled with dread, panic and fear. ..because I think thats a more objective and real way to live. Just be like..."Aaaaahh whats gonna happen?!" I think thats needed, honestly. And again I dont want to make fun of what you believe in. I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career, ok. He was...hear me out....he was young, he was hot. He was well spoken from all accounts. I really think it would have been different had he lived longer, alright. Say had he gotten old enough to get bitter. Alright, just hear me out. Picture theres a third testament to the bible alright. This point Jesus is in his 50s. Hes got one apostle left. And the book opens with him knee deep in water saying, "I used to be able to do this!" The apostles saying, "Come on...dont yell at the water, Jesus. Come on in. Its not your day, buddy. Come on. People are gathering for the wrong reason. Can we just go, please. Lets go to the deli...well have a sandwich. Well try again tomorrow. Come on, yes you are god, come on. And again, you know, if youre a religious person, I understand why you believe. It makes you feel better, you know. But a lot of us do not have the patience or disposition to have faith or belief. Thank god theres medication for those people because if youre properly medicated, it will provide roughly the same effect as religion, you know. If youre on the right combination of anti-depressants, it will alleviate your ability to see the truth clearly and provide a false sense of hope."

"My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time."

"Hey, please, if you dont know me, please take a few seconds just to judge me by how I look. Appreciate the laugh there, thank you very much."

"There is no way I was buying my wife a fucking gun, because, lets be honest, there is no way I wasnt getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sorta like me saying "Yknow, I kinda wanna kill myself...but I want it to be a surprise."