Margaret Cho

"I slept with a woman on the ship, and afterwards I was thinking, "Am I gaaaay? Am I straaaaight?" And then I realized: Im just slutty. Wheres my parade?"

"I would be happy to have a gay child. He would be a Boy Scout, and he would teach all the other Boy Scouts how to build a fire with two sticks and a back-handed compliment."

"Why do Republicans hate gay marriage so much? They certainly dont hate gay prostitutes."

"I cant even look at those "womens magazines" anyway. I love fashion, but I look at the pictures of the skinny models, and theyre wearing clothes I cant even fit on my fingers. And I look at that and I think, if that is what a woman is supposed to look like, then I must not be one."

"I was working on this movie and the makeup artist was just so ugly! I just wanted to say "Physician, heal thyself!" She looked exactly like Aaron Neville, and she was trying her hardest to make me look exactly like Aaron Neville. This one time, she leaned into my face with the mascara wand almost touching my eye and she says, "Whass my name?"

"I love Karl Lagerfeld, and they [PETA] hate him because he showed fur in his collection, and they protested his fashion show. People were chanting outside, "KARL LAGERFELD IS A MURDERER! KARL LAGERFELD IS A MURDERER!" And I thought, "Wouldnt it be fabulous if Karl Lagerfeld actually was a murderer?" Like, what if he just fuckin lost it one day...backstage at a show in Milan...and bludgeoned Elsa Klensch to death with a platform shoe. "I HATE THAT BLOUSE!"

"[An article about Cho] started out, "Funny, sexy, zaftig Margaret Cho..." What is "zaftig?" Isnt that German for "big fat pig?" I guess I was lucky- "zaftig" is kind of a nice word. It could have been, "Funny, sexy, OBESE Margaret Cho."

"The best part of any fashion show is Karl Lagerfeld with his white hair, and the big glasses, and a fuckin fan. Like hes some kind of Spanish lady or something. And I look at the fan and Im like, "Bitch, its not that hot, whatchoo doin?"

"And I got so drunk, I got so drunk that I actually woke up thinking, "Should I get up and pee, or just pee in the bed?" Actually weighing the pros and the cons. "Well, itll be warm for a minute...its a big bed, Ill just roll over...Ill just blame it on that guy!"

"So I was drinking tequila, and I was drinking grappa, which is Italian for gasoline, and I was drinking Jägermeister, which I believe is the liquid equivalent of Wonder Womans golden lasso, because it will make you tell anybody the truth for no reason whatsoever. "You have really bad skin. Thanks for the drink."

"This old fellow came up to me and asked, "Excuse me, are you Japanese?" No, Im Korean. "Oh, really, thats very interesting, because I was looking at you and I knew you were not Filipino. I have many Filipino friends and you do not look like them because youre very HUSKY!!" Is that supposed to be some kind of a compliment? "Oh, no, its not bad, youre very strong, very HUSKY!"

"There was this really prim and proper British woman who used to run horse races for the lesbians on the ship, and the lesbians would get to name the horses, and the really prim and proper British woman would have to read out the names. "Horse number one, Galloping...Clitoris. Horse number one, Galloping Clitoris. Very well, carry on. Horse number two...No Dick for Me. Horse number two, No Dick for Me. Rather a rude name, dont you think? No Dick for Me? Should be, No Dick for Me, Thank You."