Michael Fabricant

"A friend of mine is Matthew Parris (the newspaper columnist) who breeds llamas [...] And Matt had a llama called Darren. Incidentally he names his llamas after the first person of the same sex as the llama who sees them. Darren is the local plumber. Unfortunately Darren took a shine when he reached puberty to his auntie Vera… Vera being a cleaning lady when shes not a llama. So there was a real concern that they would end up with a llama with two heads as a result of an incestuous relationship."

"I could never appear on a discussion prog with @y_alibhai I would either end up with a brain haemorrhage or by punching her in the throat."

"Been asked to resign as Vice Chairman, refused, so sacked over HS2 and my views on a recent Cabinet Minister. Still available 4 speeches etc."

"Sad @SayeedaWarsi has gone. I was her whip when Party Chairman [sic] & know she has v strong views on Muslim issues. But DC [David Cameron] is right on Gaza."

"Serious questions will need to be asked about the manner in which the investigation was conducted. These were no jurists as was apparent by the tone of the examination. The question of calibre, malice and prejudice will need to be answered now or by historians."

"I am expecting a strong turnout of Conservative MPs at PMQs today [...] Not only to demonstrate their strong support for #Boris!! BUT also to prove they are NOT the one told by the Chief Whip to stay at home. Ill be there!"

"Now, when the Sochi Games started I did a few tweets pointing out that Russia had a very crude and outdated legal system in its attitude to gays. And someone tweeted at me asking "are you gay or are you just pretending to be?" And I thought well, I could ignore this, but then again what the heck and I had this picture of Darren. So I tweeted: "What I can reveal is that Im having an affair with a llama. But I wont say if its a boy llama or a girl llama."

"[After the privileges committee report on other parliamentarians conduct was published ] I stand by my statement. Some of the members of the Privileges Committee treated their witness, Boris Johnson, with contempt by gestures and other actions. Had it been in a law court, the judge would have called them to order. Respect for the committee needs to be earned."