Never Been Kissed

"Somebody once said, "To write well, you have to write what you know." Well, here is what you know..."

"Merkin: Hey, Merkin aint jerkin, hes workin."

"Wow, that was just like "Carrie!" I thought she was gonna kill us all."

"Marissa Jaret Winokur - Sheila"

"Im the coleslaw king of the world!"

"Giuseppe Andrews - Denominator"

"John C. Reilly - Augustus "Gus" Strauss"

"Rob, youre not going to believe it, I made friends with a whole table of rastafari. Not just one, a whole table... You know whats a weird word? Fork. Oh my God, someone ate my entire pie! I dont know how that happened!"

"Let me tell you something, I dont care about being your stupid prom queen. Im 25 years old. Im an undercover reporter for the Chicago Sun Times and Ive been beating my brains out trying to impress you people. Let me tell you something, Gibby, Kirsten, Kristin, you will spend your lives trying to keep others down because it makes you feel more important. Why her? Let me tell you about this girl, she is unbelievable. I was new here and she befriended me no questions asked. But you, you were only my friend after my brother, Rob, posed as a student and told you to like me. All of you people, there is a big world out there... bigger than prom, bigger than high school and it wont matter if you were the prom queen, the quarterback of the football team, or the biggest nerd in school. Find out who you are and try not to be afraid of it."

"All you need is for one person to think youre cool, and youre in. Everyone else will be scared to question it."

"Sex can be fun... when youre old enough, which none of you are. I should know. When you lose it to some guy named Junior with bad breath in the back of a van at a Guns N Roses concert, youre gonna wish you had listened to your mother when she said, "Theyre not gonna want to buy the whole friggin ice cream truck when youre handing out the popsicles for free!" [giggles and sighs] ...So, any questions? [every hand goes up]"

"Aldys: [faking "Valley Girl" accent] Oh my God, like, there goes another lemming!"