Perfect Chaos

"I dont choose to act this way or that. I dont choose to have crushing depression or extreme manias. ...I dont choose to sometimes feel like killing myself. Why did I do the things that I did in my life? Did I ever have the choice? I was given a gift and a curse at the same time, and the only choice I have ever had is how to accept it. I feel because I feel, and sometimes my feelings are more extreme than most people can imagine, but I always try my best. ...I never chose this. ...Mental illness...is real and it is painful and it is powerful."

"There were many layers in my relationship with her during the first years of her illness... The first was love, that all-encompassing love for a child that will not let go and will not give up.... The next layer was the clinical professional layer, always trying to analyze and figure out what the hell was going on, because if I could figure it out then I would have a chance to fix it. ....there was the paranoid alert layer, always questioning whether I was overreacting or being too protective, worrying that I was filtering everything through my own past. And finally there was terrifying fear. It was always there, lurking down deep, panicked that I could lose a child."

"I didnt allow myself to make any plans for her future. She would have to make these decisions herself."

"True friendships last. They take work and forgiveness and more talking than some people can give. But in the end, friends care. Its just that sometimes they dont know how to deal with it."

"...an illness called "bipolar disorder"...doesnt define us. It has challenged us and, in so many ways, enriched our lives. We have not turned away from loving each other."

"...suicide is not something selfish. It is not something you choose. It comes at you, a force of its own that you may be able to ward off, but that can take hold of you, stealing your power to fight it off. It is so strong that you have to fight with your entire self to keep it at bay. It is something that many cannot fight when their illness takes control. Suicide is a symptom of illnesses that may be preventable with treatment."

"Im becoming a worse person the longer I try to stay normal."

"In this journey I am reminded to relish each moment of peace and joy and believe that more such moments are coming. Life goes on with all its unpredictable pain, and also with joyous surprises. My work is to let go of the fear and agony of the past few years and to trust in the future."

"Telling her that she could do anything she wanted and that she had it all going for her didnt help. ...I knew that telling her that didnt make her believe it. In fact, it probably made it worse."

"I was proud of who she was, not what she did. I let go. I let go."

"One year ago I would have had to take Adderall or coke to feel this way. I would have had to be manic. But now I merely am happy. I am real and feel as though there is a point to the world. I feel as if I am meant to be here. I am meant to live and love and learn."

"...I was not my bipolar. I realized the power of words. I realized that by saying "I have bipolar" instead of "I am bipolar," I was myself with an illness, not myself defined by my illness."