Real Time with Bill Maher

"Politically, its always been advantageous to divide people, to make America a place of warmongers versus wimps, elitists versus morons, gun nuts versus people with normal size penises. The only problem is, its not true. Hollywood isnt your cesspool, America. Its your mirror."

"When they [Republicans] say "Theyre going to raise taxes", you say "We have to, because someone spent all the money in the world cutting Paris Hiltons taxes and not killing Osama Bin Laden."

"New Rule: You cant send the National Guard to Iraq and then claim its still here. The helicopters, the humvees, the men...like Dorothy and Toto, theyre not in Kansas anymore. Sorry, Mr. President, but the last documented case of a National Guardsman able to be in two places at one time... was you."

"iPhones price reduction wasnt a price cut, it was a reduction of the nerd tax."

"If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope."

"In Hillary Clintons health plan the words "diet" and "exercise" appear once. The word "drugs"? Fourteen times. Just like the pharmaceutical companies wanted. You know, their add weasels like to say "When diet and exercise fail..." Well, diet and exercise dont fail, a fact brought home last week by a new Duke University study that shows exercise – yes, exercise – is just as effective a cure for depression as Paxil and Zoloft. So ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you!"

"The "life sucks and then you die" philosophy was useful when Buddha came up with it around 500 B.C. because, back then, life sucked and then you died. But now we have medicine, and Pinkberry, and Tivo...Our life isnt all about suffering anymore."

"Im very glad that Obama is reaching out to the Muslim world, and I know Muslim living in America and Europe want their way of life to be assimilated more. But the Western world needs to make it clear, some things about our culture are not negotiable and cant change. And one of them is freedom of speech. Separation of church and state is another – not negotiable. Women are allowed to work here and you cant beat them – not negotiable. This is how we roll!"

"Instead of confronting real problems like the debt, or the environment, or Utah, we pick out the poorest, most defenseless kid on the block – illegal immigrants – and say, "Whatre you looking at?!" But Ill tell you something, you anti-immigrant hoopies – as usual youre mad at the wrong people. It was corporate America that busted your unions and didnt keep your pay up to the cost of living, causing your wife to have to go back to work, and Esmerelda having to come in and watch the kids."

"We have this fantasy that our interests and the interests of the super rich are the same; like somehow the rich will eventually get so full that theyll explode, and that the candy will rain down on the rest of us; like theyre some kind of pinata of benevolence But heres the thing about a pinata – it doesnt open on its own, you have to beat it with a stick"

"Every election roughly half the population votes Democrat and the other half votes Republican. Now I understand why the Republicans get one percent of the vote – the richest one percent. That other 49% someone will have to explain to me. The facts about what the Republicans have done to the middle class are beyond reasonable doubt, and yet their base refuses to see it. The monied elite in America are dragging a bag filled with your future down the steps, and your reaction is "Hold on there, that looks heavy. Let me give you a hand getting it into your trunk."

"But my question about that whole flap — the Republicans are very angry. Dick Cheney said, Im an angry father. If its not shameful to be gay, why are their panties in a bunch about this? I mean… Right? They talk about her like shes some retarded monster they have chained in the attic. You know, if being gay is not that, why is it a controversy to bring her up? … Its an issue in this election. Dont talk about my daughter, who were trying to discriminate against, in a constitutional amendment."