Russell Brand

"[After a boxing match in which Brand punched his father hard enough for the older man to fall to his knees] Shall we go down the pub and chat up some birds? Do something were both good at?"

"You know, the relationships we ave, everything sort of bubbles under the surface. No one ever says what they actually mean, do they? Its all a bit pappy and rubbish."

"Ive looked right through the Bible, start to finish, looking for the bit saying Jesus was the mind behind Ikea, then theres no evidence to suggest this at all."

"Matt Morgan: [To Russell] How have you developed pectoral muscles when you barely do anything for yourself?"

"When my dad left, you know, Id give my mum hell sometimes, but really shes the one that stayed, isnt she? Poor cow, she didnt need that kind of aggravation."

"I saw a picture of Prince William, HRH William, in the paper today. Hes going bald. I reckon by the end of next year he will be bald and Im glad about that. Because of his playboy prince status and that, it makes me feel insecure about my own looks."

"Charles Ingrams views are so pugnacious that when I heard them, I went back to ancient Arabia, sauntered into Aladdin’s cave, said "Open, sesame," perused all the treasures and trinkets until I got Aladdins attention, pulled down my trousers and panties and forced a genie into my dinkles peep hole and shouted, "Aladdin, rub the lamp! Youll get more than three wishes!" He said he wished Id leave his cave."

"Russell Brand: What did you say? Trevor Lock: I just said ow Russell Brand: Oh yeah, that cleared it up. He probably sank to his knees at that point and screamed There is no God! You probably made him renounce the clergy. He probably went straight off after that and had it off with someone..."

"Lets look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!"

"October... Is that when theres conkers?"

"What kind of sex attacker reneges at the first scream?"

"Karl Pilkington: And I was high up. Russell Brand: Im picturing you as a sort of vigilante Batman figure, looking down over Salford, to see if theres any crimes. Karl Pilkington: And I was in my pants. Rusell Brand: Again, like a vigilante Batman figure."