Victoria Wood

"Where are you in the menstrual cycle? Taurus."

"Wed like to apologise to our viewers in the North - it must be awful for you."

"[Song]] Not bleakly, Not meekly Beat me on the bottom with the Womans Weekly Lets do it, lets do it tonight!"

"[On a difficult relationship with her mother, Helen] If shed only gone out to work, we would all have been a lot happier. Being in the house drove her mad. She hated housework, cooking. Shed go into the garden and chop down trees. She was full of energy and batting against the walls with it. And this gave me a real sense that you had to have your own life. Its ridiculous to stay at home with your children if it drives you nuts. Children would much rather see a happy, smiley person come back."

"[Asked if she ever had childhood holidays in Blackpool] No. What do you take me for? We used to go to Vienna."

"Sometimes I think that being widowed is Gods way of telling you to come off the pill."

"I was just thinking as Alan [Bennett] and I walked up the steps, how nice it would have been if one of us had come up in a stairlift."

"[Asked if being interviewed is a form of torture for her] No, people always think I hate doing interviews. I dont. I wouldnt do them if I didnt like them. I have to say that at the start of every interview."

"[On remaining unattached after a divorce] Well, I think theres not much of a chance for me finding somebody of my age. Gentlemen of my age are dropping down 30 years to find girlfriends. [Informed: "Thats not always the case."] Youre right. I need to get out of the house."

"People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television properly."

"The Italians have got opera, the Spanish have got flamenco dancing. What have we got? Weight Watchers."

"When youre in the middle of having a baby, its a bit like watching two very inefficient removal men, trying to get a very large sofa through a very small doorway. Only in this case you cant say, "Oh sod it, bring it through the French windows"."