What We Do in the Shadows

"One year I went to the Unholy Masquerade dressed as Whoopi Goldberg from Sister Act 1 and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit. Didnt go down so well because she was a nun. Weird. Vampires dont like nuns."

"[talking about re-uniting with his now-elderly love, Katherine] Some people freak out a bit about the age difference. Uhh… they think Whats this 96-year-old lady doing with a guy 4 times her age?."

"I dont think Nick should have become a vampire. Hes such a dick."

"Were vampires. We dont put down towels."

"[about Stu] At first I wanted to kill him, but now Im glad I spent time to get to know him."

"When you become a vampire, you become very…sexy. [gestures to himself]"

"So its 6pm in the nighttime, which is when I wake up. This is always really scary part for me [slowly peeks out of curtains] Yes! Nighttime."

"[Nick and Deacon quarrel, Nick runs away by turning into a bat, Deacon chases after him by also turning into a bat] Ooh! Bat Fight!"

"[eats a french fry and begins to puke in the alleyway] I cant eat solids now. Great. What, I cant sunbathe? I cant watch daytime TV? I can…well I guess I could. M-More than anything, it’s just the chips. That’s my favourite food and I cant eat chips. Its– I dont– Its just– I hate– I’ll say it. Im over being a vampire now. Its shit, so dont…dont believe the hype."

"[to Nick] This is what happens when youre a vampire. You have to watch everyone die. Your mother and father. All your friends. Sometimes brutal, like slipping and falling onto a giant spike. Or falling asleep in an autumn pile of leaves and having some of them block your windpipe. Or making the simple mistake of fashioning a mask out of crackers and being attacked by ducks, geese, swans. Or even dying of old age, but even old age is brutal. Watching your friends grow old. They cant piss, and they say stupid things, and their brains go, and they cant remember anything. And then one day they cant even remember who you are, and you wish they were dead, and then they do die."

"[reading text message from Viago] One message received. [turns around startled to find nothing] "Ther iz a crucifx behind you"."

"[telling a group of strangers] The movie Twilight. Have you seen it? Okay, Im the main in Twilight. You know the main guy? Twilight? Thats me."