George Bernard Shaw

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo-oo!!! I ain't dirty: I washed me face and hands afore I come, I did!

He ain't a copper just look at 'is boots!

The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it.

It is impossible for an Englishman to open his mouth without making some other Englishman hate or despise him.

Use your health, even to the point of wearing it out. That is what it is for. Spend all you have before you die; and do not outlive yourself.

Chloroform has done a lot of mischief. It's enabled every fool to be a surgeon.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

I don't believe in morality. I'm a disciple of Bernard Shaw.

All professions are conspiracies against the laity.

Attention and activity lead to mistakes as well as to successes; but a life spent in making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

No man who is occupied in doing a very difficult thing, and doing it well, ever loses his self-respect.

Do not try to live for ever. You will not succeed.

The secret of being miserable is to have leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not. The cure for it is occupation, because occupation means pre-occupation; and the pre-occupied person is neither happy nor unhappy, but simply …

Remember that the progress of the world depends on your knowing better than your elders

Death is for many of us the gate of hell; but we are inside on the way out, not outside on the way in.

When will we realize that the fact that we can become accustomed to anything, however disgusting at first, makes it necessary to examine carefully everything we have become accustomed to.

I like a bit of a mongrel myself, whether it's a man or a dog; they're the best for every day.

A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of Hell.

Optimistic lies have such immense therapeutic value that a doctor who cannot tell them convincingly has mistaken his profession.

It is more dangerous to be a great prophet or poet than to promote twenty companies for swindling simple folk out of their savings.

You'll never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of the human race.

All great truths begin as blasphemies.

Custom will reconcile people to any atrocity; and fashion will drive them to acquire any custom.

Well, I tell you again to get rid of your Constitution. But I suppose you won't do it. You have a good president and you have a bad Constitution, and the bad Constitution gets the better of the good President all the time. The end of it …