Josh Billings

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. (p. 235)

As a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches, she has a good rite tew them.

I am poor, and I am glad that i am, for i find that wealth makes more people mean than it duz generous.

Their is one advantage in a plurality of wifes; tha fite each other, insted ov their husbands.

The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi the amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it.

A man's reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and grease spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals.

We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy--i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying.

7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days.

Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up in an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for …

When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trieing tew walk a crack.

I hope i shall never hav so much reputashun that i shan't feel obliged to be alwus civil.

I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung carelessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor.

Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her as yu have.

Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable.

I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and apparently braneless hed--bit i hain't seen all the bigots, yu know.

Prejudice iz a hous plant which iz very apt tew wither if yu take it out doors amungst pholks.

I hate grate talkers; i had rather hav a swarm of bees lite onto me.

Rather than not hav faith in enny thing, i am willing tew be beat 9 times out ov 10.

I dont never hav enny trouble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me.

I think that a hen who undertakes tew lay 2 eggs a day must necessarily neglekt sum other branch ov bizzness.

I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with the world, and retired into solitude; but i hav never heard ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting on them and asking them tew kum bak.

Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and halff the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny more fragrance on the cuss.

What should we do if it want for the churches? Thare iz a plenty ov people who kant worship God only in a church. If they were out in a field on the Sabbath day they would at once bekum lawless, and fall to digging out woodchucks or …

Ventilashun iz a good thing, but when a man kant lay down and sleep in a 10 aker lot without taking down two lengths ov fence to let the wind in he iz alltogether too airish.