Josh Billings

I don't beleave in fighting; i am solemly aginst it; but if a man gits teu fighting, i am also solemly aginst hiz gitting licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz in it iz tew lick the other party.

Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you stand stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but invigorating, if you pitch into them.

"Familiarity breeds kontempt." This only applies tew men, not tew hot bukwheat slapkakes, well buttered and sugared.

When a man gits tew talking about himself, he seldum fails tew be eloquent, and often reaches the sublime.

Thrice is he armed that hath his quarrel just, But four times he who gets his blow in fust

Poverty is the stepmother of genius.

As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.

I don't care how much a man talks, if he only says it in a few words.

Nature never makes blunders; when she makes a fool she means it.

Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend.

Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would find fault with the whole blasted concern; put a Yankee in, and he would see where he could alter it to advantage; put an Irishman in, and he would want to boss the thing; put a …

Love is like the measles; we can't have it bad but once, and the later in life we have it the tougher it goes with us.

A secret ceases to be a secret if it is once confided—it is like a dollar bill, once broken, it is never a dollar again.

Most people when they cum tew yu for advice cum tew hav their own opinyuns strengthened, not correkted.

Don't mistake vivacity for wit, thare iz about az mutch difference az thare iz between lightning and a lightning bug.

Tew bring up a child in the wa he should go—travel that wa yourself.

It iz comparitively eazy tew repent ov the sins that we hav committed, but tew repent ov thoze which we intend to commit, is asking tew mutch ov enny man, now days.

The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sumtime lay down in this world together for a fu minnits, but when the lion kums tew git up, the lamb will be missing.

I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two know what ain't so.

The wheel that squeaks the loudest Is the one that gets the grease.