Will Rogers

When I die, my epitaph or whatever you call those signs on gravestones is going to read: "I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn't like." I am so proud of that I can hardly wait to die so it can be …

A man that don't love a Horse, there is something the matter with him. If he has no sympathy for the man that does love Horses, then there is something worse the matter with him.

We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth. ... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

The American people are a very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity.

I have no Politics. I am for the Party that is out of Power, no matter which one it is. But I will give you my word that, in case of my appointment, I will not be a Republican; I will do my best to pull with you, and not embarrass you. In …

Now everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor, and if it keeps on happening, why the entire laughter kinder Fades out of it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make one out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a Crook or a Martyr.

I tell you Folks, all Politics is Apple Sauce.

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.

We are here just for a spell and then pass on. So get a few laughs and do the best you can. Live your life so that whenever you lose it, you are ahead.

makes you spend money you haven't got for things you don't want.

No party is as bad as its state and national leaders.

I doubt if a charging elephant, or a rhino, is as determined, or hard to check, as a socially ambitious mother.

This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.

The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.

Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with.

I not only "don't choose to run" but I don't even want to leave a loophole in case I am drafted, so I won't "choose". I will say "won't run" no matter how bad the country will need a comedian by that time.

I certainly know that [A] comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious and I don't want either of those to happen to me til I am dead (if then).

We are the first nation to starve to death in a storehouse that's overfilled with everything we want.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to pay the fiddler.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.