Before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, — Stephen Colbert

"Yes, we all know the famous saying: where there’s smoke, there’s success."

"Dont cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, itll be free yogurt."

"Such a proud moment of professionalism. You work for years crafting cogent satirical essays and the thing that everybody remembers is me making love to a Chiquita and bursting into laughter. What you cant see off camera is Jon started laughing first. And then Im weak. As much as I want to make the audience laugh, I really want to make Jon laugh."

"My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned, but an idiot… So we said, "Lets give him a promotion."

"Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I dont mean the argument over who came up with the word. I dont know whether its a new thing, but its certainly a current thing, in that it doesnt seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But thats not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. Its certainty. People love the president because hes certain of his choices as a leader, even if the facts that back him up dont seem to exist. Its the fact that hes certain that is very appealing to a certain section of the country. I really feel a dichotomy in the American populace. What is important? What you want to be true, or what is true?"

"Would an untalented man be able to compose the following satirical witticism?: Go f-ck yourself."