Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? Ive had one panic attack i — Alan Partridge

"You join us live at the Berlin Olympics on "Grandstand" in 1936 on this pleasant summer morning in Nazi Germany. Everyones here. Hitlers in his box, Jesse Owens just waved to him. He doesnt like that."

"Two fat ladies, 88! Not that youd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... theyre altogether a higher class of fat lady."

"Right, Ill tell you an anecdote. In 1974 I was catching the London train from Crewe station. It was very crowded; I found myself in a last-minute rush for the one remaining seat beside a tall, good-looking man with collar-length hair, it was the seventies; buckaroo! I looked up and saw it was none other than Peter Purves, it was the height of his Blue Peter career. He said, "You jammy bastard" and quick as a flash, I replied, "Dont be blue, Peter!" Needless to say, I had the last laugh, now fuck off!"

"Could someone clear that shit away, please? Its just, its in my picture. People may associate it with me."

"(commenting on random clips of football/soccer matches in a build up to the upcoming 1994 FIFA World Cup): Shit! Did you see that!? He must have a foot like a traction engine. Striker! And that, was a gooooooal! The proof is in the pudding and in this case the pudding, is a football..."

"Youre not ordinary, youre French!"

"In the life of the mass-order, the culture of the generality tends to conform to the demands of the average human being. Spirituality decays through being diffused among the masses when knowledge is impoverished in every possible way by rationalisation until it becomes accessible to the crude understanding of all."

"I say this to you because we Spaniards are a forgetful people, because we are used to living for the moment, because we do not look back, because we do not know how to see the chain of heroes, because we do not contemplate the sum of sacrifices."

"Sharon Tate was my best friend. Once, we were roommates. She introduced me to my husband. She was the godmother to my baby daughter who is named for her. In the six years time that I knew her, she never said an unkind word about anyone."

"Long time to see. (VS: Tapion)"

"Most mathematicians prove what they can, von Neumann proves what he wants." Once in a discussion about the rapid growth of mathematics in modern times, von Neumann was heard to remark that whereas thirty years ago a mathematician could grasp all of mathematics, that is impossible today. Someone asked him: "What percentage of all mathematics might a person aspire to understand today?" Von Neumann went into one of his five-second thinking trances, and said: "About 28 percent."

"Children must be free to think in all directions irrespective of the peculiar ideas of parents who often seal their childrens minds with preconceived prejudices and false concepts of past generations. Unless we are very careful, very careful indeed, and very conscientious, there is still great danger that our children may turn out to be the same kind of people we are."