Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exag — Will Rogers

"This would be a great world to dance in if we didnt have to pay the fiddler."

"But its just as Mr. Brisbane and I have been constantly telling you, "Dont gamble"; take all your savings and buy some good stock, and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it dont go up, dont buy it."

"You cant say that civilization dont advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way."

"Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is."

"I not only "dont choose to run" but I dont even want to leave a loophole in case I am drafted, so I wont "choose". I will say "wont run" no matter how bad the country will need a comedian by that time."

"Diplomacy is the same as saying "nice doggie" until you have a chance to pick up a rock."

"In the life of the mass-order, the culture of the generality tends to conform to the demands of the average human being. Spirituality decays through being diffused among the masses when knowledge is impoverished in every possible way by rationalisation until it becomes accessible to the crude understanding of all."

"I say this to you because we Spaniards are a forgetful people, because we are used to living for the moment, because we do not look back, because we do not know how to see the chain of heroes, because we do not contemplate the sum of sacrifices."

"Sharon Tate was my best friend. Once, we were roommates. She introduced me to my husband. She was the godmother to my baby daughter who is named for her. In the six years time that I knew her, she never said an unkind word about anyone."

"Long time to see. (VS: Tapion)"

"Most mathematicians prove what they can, von Neumann proves what he wants." Once in a discussion about the rapid growth of mathematics in modern times, von Neumann was heard to remark that whereas thirty years ago a mathematician could grasp all of mathematics, that is impossible today. Someone asked him: "What percentage of all mathematics might a person aspire to understand today?" Von Neumann went into one of his five-second thinking trances, and said: "About 28 percent."

"Children must be free to think in all directions irrespective of the peculiar ideas of parents who often seal their childrens minds with preconceived prejudices and false concepts of past generations. Unless we are very careful, very careful indeed, and very conscientious, there is still great danger that our children may turn out to be the same kind of people we are."